Effectively Wild

Blackhawks Win 4th Straight

2010-10-21T08:41:00.003-05:00

It's early in the season, but the Chicago Blackhawks are looking like things are starting to come together. Their shootout victory over the Vancouver Canucks last night is their fourth straight win. Despite not having many scoring opportunities, Chicago managed to prevail as Jonathon Toews, Patrick Sharp, and Patrick Kane all scored in the shootout against Roberto Luongo. Marty Turco gave up two goals in the shootout as well, but Mikael Samuelsson's shot went wide of the net, giving the Hawks the win.

Viktor Stalberg, who came over from Toronto for Kris Versteeg, scored his second goal of the season with 37 seconds remaining in the first, a beauty of a shot that sailed past Luongo. One of the motherfucking Sedin twins, Daniel, scored in the third for Vancouver to tie the game. Luongo stopped a brilliant Hossa shot in overtime to preserve the tie, but had some trouble with the shootout shots from Sharp and Kane. It appears that he sort of helped push Kane's shot over the goal line as he was sliding backward.

Marty Turco was a beast in this game, totally deserving of the Number One Star status he was awarded. Chicago heads to St. Louis on Friday to take on the Blues.

EW: The Relaunch

2010-10-20T11:53:00.010-05:00

What's up bitches? It's been a long time since I posted here (just over a year). Things have been absolutely crazy over that time. I had back surgery at the end of last year and my wife has had her fair of health issues as well. We've also seen the Chicago Blackhawks win the Stanley Cup and watched another mediocre season of Cubs baseball come and go. For some reason it seems like the perfect time to relaunch the awesome lameness that is Effectively Wild, albeit with a few changes.

For one thing, this site will no longer just focus on Cubs baseball. I will also bring my lack of focus and consistency to Blackhawks hockey, Arsenal FC of the English Premier League/Champions League, and FC Kaiserslautern of the German Bundesliga. Why these teams? Here's why:

1. The Chicago Cubs:

A no-brainer. I've been a Cub fan since I was in the womb. My first favorite Cub was Bill Buckner. I liked his mustache. Other favorite Cubs through the years have been Mark Grace, Rod Beck, Ryne Sandberg, Andre Dawson, Rick Sutcliffe, Derrek Lee, Kerry Wood, Aramis Ramirez, Carlos Marmol, Geovany Soto, Scott Servais, Carlos Zambrano, and the man-beast that is Marlon Byrd.

Most of my Cub writing will probably still take place at Exile on Clark Street, which will also recommence posting soon.

2. The Chicago Blackhawks:

I first started watching hockey in 1998 when I was fresh out of college. I really enjoyed the Blackhawks, but it became more and more difficult to catch games on TV, especially after the lockout. I started watching again a few years ago after an endorsement by Hire Jim Essian's Bad Kermit. Hockey has no almost pulled even with baseball as my favorite sport. Favorite Hawks have been Tony Amonte, Eric Daze, Chris Chelios, Nikolai Khabibulin, Marty Havlat, Dougie Gilmore, Bob Probert, Dustin Byfuglien, Kris Versteeg, Jonathon Toews, Patrick Sharp, Duncan Keith, Niklas Hjalmarsson, Antti Niemi, and Marion Hossa.

3. Arsenal FC:

I played soccer from the age of five until I was fifteen. I fell in love all over again during the 2002 World Cup and really became interested in the game after the 2006 World Cup. I became enamored with Thierry Henry, which led me to Arsenal FC. Henry may not be there any longer, but I still catch the Gunners whenever I can. I love their style of play, even though they can be frustrating at times. Some favorite Arsenal players are: Thierry Henry, Bacary Sagna, Samir Nasri, Cesc Fabregas, Philip Senderos, Theo Walcott, Jack Wilshire, and Andrey Arshavin.

4. FC Kaiserslautern:

I started watching the German Bundesliga this season, mainly because this club was able to secure promotion from Germany's second tier league. My family and I lived in Kaiserslautern when I was very young while my father served in the Air Force. Kaiserslauutern is where I first played the beautiful game, albeit not beautifully. When I read online that Kaiserslautern had been promoted back into the Bundesliga, I knew I had to watch as many games as I could. I haven't seen enough games to really have favorite players yet, but so far I really dig Srdjan Lakich.

Please Don't Leave Carlos!

2009-09-18T09:09:00.000-05:00

I know it's been quite a while since I posted here, but I already posted a Carlos Zambrano post on TMS and I still haven't quite vented out my spleen at the retards trying to run El Toro Loco out of town.

I only wish that Carlos himself could read these words, because I imagine he's feeling pretty fucking frustrated at the moment. Carlos has been the best pitcher on the Cubs' staff nearly every year he was in the rotation and this year he has not. He was derailed by some injuries that might have been preventable, but probably not. As someone with a back injury himself whose right sciatic nerve feels like someone poured a boiling hot vat of acid on it, I can only express my admiration for a man who can pitch with a back injury. I've barely managed to crawl out of bed in the mornings to go to a data entry job. But I digress.

I just want to say that Big Z is fucking awesome. When he's on, he's unstoppable. Not only can he pitch, but he swings the bat pretty good and is an excellent athlete. Any time he's had a problem or issue, he works to correct it. Over the years, he has matured and learned how to keep his temper under control (for the most part). I see a big difference between today's Big Z and the pouty childman of years gone past. If you honestly can't tell the difference, then you haven't been paying attention.

So when asshats like Paul Sullivan start rumors that the Cubs are looking to trade Zambrano and other douchetrucks pick up on it and browbeat the guy with questions about said rumor, it pisses me off. I'm sick of these reporters harassing my guys until they elicit the explosion they're looking for and then talk about what a hothead the guy being harassed is. Quit forcing the issue.

If all of this causes the Cubs to lose one of the best pitchers the team has had in the course of my lifetime, then they are truly stupid. Palin level stupid. And I will hate them forever for it.

Big Z, amigo, if you do get to read this, don't go. Fuck those guys. Stay and be our Z Money. Retire a Cub, if for no other reason then to piss the sportswriters off. And stay for me. I love you, man. In a totally platonic, bromance kind of way.

Happy (belated) Birthday, Shooter

2009-08-06T08:48:00.003-05:00

Mired in my own myopic depression, I neglected to note that Monday, August 3rd, was Rod Beck's birthday. Even though this site is no longer The Shooter's Lounge, Rod Beck remains the Patron Saint of Effectively Wild. So a belated happy birthday to the Shooter. There's a six pack of Coors Light on the Shooter Shrine in my basement. Cheers, amigo.

Outlaw Nation

2009-05-28T12:42:00.015-05:00

The Cubs were already dangerous and more than a little bit crazy, but all that would change when the Dark Stranger rode into town. Forget that "Behold a pale horse" nonsense, as this man was dark as pitch with a temper that could not be tamed. Let umpires and Gatorade dispensers be afraid, as The Bradley Gang is born. (Cue the Ennio Morricone music).

The Ringleader: Milton Bradley

The Right Hand Man: El Toro Loco

The Assassin: The Iceman

The Hired Gun: The Shooter

The Annoying Sidekick: Dempster Red

The Hard Case: Coy "Lefty" Hill

The Gamblers: The Cajun Connection

The Big Boss Man: Sweet Uncle Lou

The Majors will never be the same again.

Banner Day: Cubs Win Two In A Row, Send Cotts Packing

2009-05-27T16:02:00.003-05:00

Today was a good day, unless you're a Gatorade dispenser. The Cubs won their second game in a row behind the effort of Carlos Zambrano, who got tossed out of the game after arguing a safe call with umpire Mark Carlson. After ejecting Carlson from the game, El Toro Loco whipped his glove against the wall and took a bat to the recently repaired Gatorade dispenser victimized earlier in the week by Ryan Dempster. Thankfully, the Cubs new arrivals, Andres Blanco & Jake Fox made an impact, as well as Reed Johnson, who hit a homer to give the Cubs the lead in the 8th.

Even better than the Cubs winning back to back games was the demotion of ineffective lefty reliver Neal Cotts, long the bane of this and other Cubs' sites. Some advice: stay gone Neal. Don't come back.

Paul Sullivan says the Cubs are becoming a team of outlaws with the umpires. I say Outlaw On, so long as they win.

Koyie Hill: 12 Hits and Counting

2009-05-26T12:35:00.002-05:00

Koyie Hill continues to hit the ball whenever he starts games. He's got 12 hits for the season in 13 games. Paul Bako hasn't sniffed the majors this year, having signed a minor league deal with the Phillies after his release. Maybe it's time to hang up the Tools of Ignorance, Gabor.

21-17: The Cubs Suck Donkey Balls

2009-05-21T13:53:00.003-05:00

Okay, the Cubs are 4 games above .500. They have a better record then they did at this time last year. But sweet Jebus, even when they win it looks ugly. Holy Fuck, they got shut out by Joel Pinero the other night and were on the verge of being shut out two nights in a row until they managed to squeeze out one measly run in the 9th last night. I know Ramirez is out for a while, but with guys like Lee, Bradley and Soriano in the lineup, I still expect a little bit of offense. Lilly and Dempster both provided soild starts, only to get hosed by a complete lack of run support. In other upsetting news:

The Padres have agreed to trade Jake Peavy to the White Sox. It's now up to Peavy to decide if he wants to pitch in the American League or not. After all the Peavy to Cubs hype at the beginning of the year, it'll be such a joke to see him go to the South Side. All of Hendry's machinations and it's Kenny Williams who sneaks in to close the deal. According to Peavy's agent, Peavy is leaning toward declining the trade, but he doesn't take into account how much this will frustrate the fuck out of a great number of idiot Cub fans who somehow feel entitled to Peavy. Look for the deal to happen for that reason alone.

The Indians have put Mark DeRosa on the trading block. The Mets are interested, as are many other teams. There's probably no chance the Cubs try to reacquire him and even if they did, no way we could trade them the shitty package we got for DeRosa in the off-season. It would also require Jim Hendry to eat some crow and admit he made a mistake, which is about as likely as me winning a Mr. Universe contest (Like most bloggers, I'm fat and unattractive). I would try to get him back, as I think the Cubs could use both his versatility and his leadership in the clubhouse. It would also allow us to ditch Aaron Miles and use DeRosa at third and Bobby Scales to play second full time. Let the Cajun Hobbitt return to being a nice left-handed bat off the bench, a role he excelled in last year. The way this season is going so far, I predict DeRosa ends up a Cardinal or a Brewer, which will totally piss me off.

Koyie Hill-11 hits and counting

2009-05-11T10:26:00.002-05:00

Koyie notches another hit, another square comes off the board. Anyone miss Paul Bako yet? Didn't think so.

Koyie Hill-10 Hits and Counting

2009-04-30T13:55:00.002-05:00

10 hits for Koyie Hill. 3 more squares come off the board.

Koyie Hill Appreciation Society 2

2009-04-26T18:49:00.002-05:00

As of April 26th, Koyie Hill has 7 hits. So 7 random squares have been removed. Viva Koyie Hill!

Koyie Hill Appreciation Society

2009-04-26T18:46:00.002-05:00

Welcome to the first KHAS Post. EW is thrilled that Koyie won the backup catcher job over the corpse of Paul Bako. Every time Koyie Hill gets a hit, we will remove a section of the included picture. Enjoy!

MB's Neighborhood: My First Chicago Suspension

2009-04-19T00:01:00.003-05:00

Man, can you believe this shit? A two game suspension? First of all, that fucking pitch was inside. If it were any more inside it would have brushed against my cock. Second of all, I never touched that fat idiot Vanover. He can kiss my ebony ass. Just one more case of the umpires having it in for MB. I gotta call bullshit. I'm gonna appeal this thing. It's a matter of honor, man.

At least we're winning. I'm working hard, trying to get back into shape so I can help out. Maybe Lou will let me pitch. I can't be any worse than that cracker Neal Cotts. He keeps walking guys, me and Ted Lilly are gonna take him for a drive.

5-2: Seven Days Down

2009-04-14T15:43:00.005-05:00

Well, it's been a helluva week thus far in the 2009 baseball season. The Cubs are 5-2 despite being without the services of Geovany Soto and having one of the worst bullpens I can recall seeing. Personally, I'd ship Neal Cotts, Angel Guzman and Kevin Gregg off on a Turkish freighter and see what I could scrounge up from the minors or the Japanese and Korean leagues to replace them. We've also seen the first incident of Milton Bradley leaving a game accompanied by a trainer, ably replaced by Stuntman Johnson, who absolutely robbed Fat Prince of a grand slam on Sunday. Let this blog join the rallying cry of those calling for Carlos Marmol to replace Kevin Gregg as Cubs' closer, if only to rack up numbers on Marmol-Nation.

There's also been a trifecta of tragedy in the opening week, as the Angels lost young hurler Nick Adenhart, killed meaninglessly by a drunk fuckstick who apparently couldn't have taken a cab. I hope you and your ilk rot a long time in jail, sir. Adenhart was the #1 prospect of the Angels system and had just pitched six scoreless earlier in the day. What a waste.

The Phillies were struck next, as longtime announcer Harry Kalas died before he was to broadcast the game Monday. My heart goes out to the Phillie faithful and their organization. I remember how my guts were torn out when Harry Caray passed away in 1998. Sometimes you don't realize just how much you get used to hearing these guys call the games year in and year out until they're gone. I never heard Harry Kalas call a game, but if he was half as loved in Philadelphia was Harry Caray was in Chicago, then he will be sorely missed.

Also on Monday, the baseball world lost Mark "The Bird" Fidrych, a pitcher for the Detroit Tigers best known for his colorful antics. I had heard of The Bird and noted that he won Rookie of the Year in 1976, the year I was born. Apparently he died in an accident at his home while working on a truck.

In addition, the Mets opened their new stadium last night and were beaten by the Padres. Suck it, New York. I wasn't even alive in '69, but you still irritate me. Pretty park though, with the Ebbetts Field touches. Too bad it has to be inhabited by the Mets. I did enjoy the cat on the field however.

Tomorrow, MLB honors Jackie Robinson as all players will wear 42 in honor of one of the classiest, bravest men to ever put on a baseball uniform. Or pants. I still believe one of baseball's best moves was to retire Robinson's number league wide. Now if only Marino Rivera would quit wearing it. I know you're one of the best closers of all time, but still. You couldn't wear Jackie's jock, Mr. Rivera. Let it go. I'd also like to see Roberto Clemente's #21 retired league wide as well, as a reminder to players that you need to be more than just good athletes, you need to be good men as well. Just my two cents . . .

MB's Neighborhood: Opening Day

2009-04-07T16:06:00.004-05:00

Me and the fellas are in Houston to open the season. Woo-ee what a first game! We beat those rednecks good. Spring Training was pretty awesome, but it's nice to be playing games that count again. Did you see that double play I made? Now that was some sweet fielding. Of course the dick that runs this site puts up the pic of the ball I missed. Bet that play had all you Cub fans pissing in your diddies, huh?

One thing I have to say, is that this team needs more brothers. Don't get me wrong, D-Lee is cool, but in that non-offensive, Will Smith kinda way. And there's just loads of crazy crackers on this team, like Theriot and those little guys who play second base. I don't know their names, they all look kind of alike to me. I love those hobbitts though. Can you imagine if the Cubs had gotten Gary Sheffield? Me and Sheff on the same time, hah! We wouldn't have to play a game again, everybody be too scared to play the Cubs. Me and Sheff, that's crazy times two. That'd be some good times.

1-0: A Promising Start

2009-04-07T15:34:00.005-05:00

My wife has been sick lately, which is why I haven't been keeping up with this blog or contributing as much at Thunder Matt's Saloon, but I would be completely remiss if I didn't post something about Opening Day. El Toro Loco was pretty good against the hated Astros, despite a few shaky moments. He wasn't as sharp as he could have been, but he got the job down, escaping from a couple of jams. Carlos Marmol was a beast, Neal Cotts was scary, Aaron Heilman was solid, and Kevin Gregg coughed up a run, but still nailed down his first save as a Cub.

The offense jumped right in with Soriano and Ramirez homers to lead of the first and second innings. The Cajun Connection turned in the third run of the game when The Riot sacrificed in Mighty Mike Fontenot. Micah Hoffpauier drove in the 4th run and gave the DLee haters more grist for their mill. Geo caught a solid game and Milton Bradley turned in some spectacular defense. All in all, a great start for the Boys in Blue.

I wish I had Tivo, as tonight's game runs against the Blackhawks and my wife's favorite TV shows on CBS. Gee, I wonder who will win this battle.

US-Candian Relations Fray

2009-03-30T15:34:00.004-05:00

The Blackhawks sucked it up last night against the Vancouver Canucks. The 'hawks lost 4-0 and lost some of their composure in the 3rd in a series of silly fights that served to accomplish nothing. While I admire their fighting spirit, the fire didn't translate to anything useful on the ice as the Canucks easily shut out the home team. If the Blackhawks are going to make the playoffs, they need to play smarter and not let their frustration get the better of them. It's kind of pathetic when you have more men in the penalty box than are on the ice. It's one thing to fight to defend your teammates, but quite another to fight as a response to the embarassment being served up by the other team. The Blawkhawks did not look like a playoff caliber team last night. Hopefully, they can learn from this defeat and get their shit together.

Koyie Hill Wins Roster Spot

2009-03-30T15:22:00.004-05:00

The Cubs made a smart move by designating Robogripped catcher Koyie Hill the backup to Geovany Soto. Hill out hit the corpse of Paul Bako's career to secure the spot I thought should have been his all along. Hill calls a good game and is similar defensively to the older Bako. As a bonus, he can switch hit. Hill batted .381 in Spring Training this year, compared to Bako's .364 (aided mightily by a 4-4 game against Oakland, prior to which Bako was batting .231). Hill is also 6 years younger than Bako. EW is excited to welcome Koyie Hill back to the Cubs and has something planned to follow his exploits throughout the season. Expect it to be inappropriate and stupid.

Sean's Number Five!

2009-03-20T12:10:00.007-05:00

Some actual Cub pitching news. Sean Marshall is officially the Cubs' fifth starter. Excellent news in my opinion. Marshall's been solid and he's put the time in, doing everything the Cubs have ever asked of him. He's been almost traded seemingly a million times, his name coming up in talks for Roberts, Byrd, and Peavy, among others. He's been the long guy in the bullpen, done some set up, and worked as a spot starter. Rumor is he also helped build Jim Hendry's garage (where he keeps the man-fridge stocked with Ho-Hos and Ding-Dongs) and every week he waxes Ron Santo's car. He's also good to his mom.

Ever since Marshall and Greg Maddux cozied up to one another in the dugout a few years back, Sean has begun putting together solid performances and learning from the not so good ones. I think the Professor would be proud of his former pupil, now the Number Five in the Cubs' rotation.

Just Thought I'd Share . . .

2009-03-03T11:06:00.005-06:00

Not that I've been overly shy about expressing my political viewpoints, but I think the whole debate over whether President Obama is an American or not is patently ridiculous. Hate him if you like, that's certainly your right as an American. I've been saying for the past eight years that dissent is patriotic. I will defend your right to bash the President until my dying breath. But he is the President, he is an American, and he was legitimately elected. Respect the office, if not the man.

Baseball's Back, Sorta

2009-02-26T08:26:00.003-06:00

The Cubs played their first spring training game of 2009 yesterday, defeating the Dodgers 5-3. Micah Hoffpauir hit a go ahead grand slam in the 5th, which I'm sure will bring out the "Trade Derrek Lee" whiners in full force. I could see Hoffpauir making the team and taking on the role of Daryl Ward, only with a bit more playing time.

It was nice to hear some baseball being played again, even if the game was meaningless.

Ron Santo's birthday was yesterday. Happy birthday, Ronnie!

Did anyone else feel a little bitter that the Cubs played the very first spring training game against the Dodgers, who depantsed the Cubs in the NLDS last season?

Hockey, Eh

2009-02-18T12:56:00.004-06:00

This is ostensibly a Cubs blog, but lately I've discovered, or rather, rediscovered a sporting passion. Namely, Blackhawks hockey. Now, I haven't been into the Hawks since Tony Amonte, Eric Daze, and Chris Chelios cruised the ice, but ever since the Winter Classic, I've found my interest in the fastest game on ice rekindled. With a mix of young talent, like Jonathon Toews, Kris Versteeg, and Patrick Kane, and wily veterans like Marty Havlat and Nicolai Khabibulan, the Blackhawks are very exciting to watch. At the very least, its been nice to have some distraction from the seemingly endless drought of the baseball offseason. I've been somewhat reluctant to post on the Hawks, simply because of a lack of comfort with the intricacies of the game. I'm much more familiar with baseball, the current players and the lore of the past. As far as hockey goes, I know the guys the Blackhawks have now, some of the guys from the time period I mentioned above, and almost no knowledge of the history of other teams. At least I know who Wayne Gretzky is. He coaches the Phoenix Coyotes, right? He must be fabulously endowed, otherwise why would they call him 'The Great One'?

Anyway, to make a long story short, you may see some Blackhawks posts start popping up here. Don't be alarmed. And if you know more about hockey then I do, feel free to snicker and laugh at the newbee. That's okay, I understand.

The Hawks won last night, 5-3 over the Tampa Bay Lightning. I wonder if Jonathon Toews can bat lefty.

Bonehead Moves: Backup Catcher Brouhaha

2009-02-12T16:06:00.005-06:00

All right, here's the deal. Tattooed tough guy Hank White wasn't offered a deal and signed with San Diego for only 25 grand more than the Cubs paid for retread Paul Bako. That sucks. Firstly, Hank White rocks. Granted, the backup catcher is hardly the most glamorous of positions, but Henry Blanco had a solid season behind the dish for the Cubs and managed to bat a respectable .291. I wouldn't bet he could do that two seasons in a row, but I would be willing to bet that Blanco outhits Paul Bako this year. Or any other year.

Secondly, the reason Bako was signed was because he bats lefty. I know we're looking for balance and everything, but just because the guy stands in the left handed batters box, doesn't mean he's going to hit the ball. This is a ridiculous reason to sign a backup catcher, unless he's really good. The words "Paul Bako" and "really good" are mutually exclusive. You're telling me that Lou would really consider pulling Rookie of the Year Geo Soto for this goober to play pitching matchups? Highly doubtful.

With Soto firmly entrenched as our primary catcher, the only reason for the backup catcher to play is to give Geo a breather. The nature of the schedule isn't always going to allow Lou to play the matchups. Geo's workload and stamina are going to play a bigger role in what days he gets to rest. Thus I submit to you that the Cubs wasted $725K on Gabor Bako, when they already have the answer on the roster.

Koyie Hill is the best option at backup catcher because not only is he good behind the plate, but he can hit from both sides of it. He's useful in all matchups, so you don't have to worry about giving Soto an offday when there's a crappy matchup for your backup. There are two more reasons why Koyie Hill must suceed Blanco as the BC.

Only Hill has a sufficient legend of his own to match that of Hank White. Hill severed the fingers of his hand in a tablesaw accident and had them surgically reattached. After grueling therapy, he returned to the game and kicked ass last year for the Iowa Cubs, posting solid numbers. That's pretty damn cool, making him well worthy of assuming Henry's mantle.

The second reason is that Hill named his daughter Phoenix Ray. Giving your daughter a built in porn star name elevates you to legendary status in my mind. Here's hoping he beats out Bako for the job that should rightfully be his.

Hill Sent to Baltimore

2009-02-02T11:19:00.004-06:00

Well, folks, Rich Hill is gone. The once promising lefty hit the Sammy Sosa trail to Baltimore, joining former elite prospect Felix Pie. At least the Orioles seem to like our prospects. Hill had a great little run in 2007, but his head seemed to get in the way. At the very least, this is a low cost investment for the O's, who have to hope Hill pulls a Greinke and gets his head screwed on right. This was a "has to happen" move as Hill was out of options and the Cubs didn't have the luxury of giving him a starting job and hoping he could perform a "head from ass-ectomy". Good luck, Rich. May you be more like Oakland Barry Zito than San Francisco Barry Zito.

Super Bowl Monday

2009-02-02T08:16:00.003-06:00

Let me start by saying I'm not a fan of either team. (My NFL loyalties are mercenary at best, usually tied more to players who help my fantasy team than to actual franchises.) Still, as Super Bowls go, that was one of the best I've seen in a while. Since I didn't really care who won, all I was looking for was a solidly played, exciting game and the Steelers and Cardinals delivered. Santonio Holmes and Kurt Warner were both money in the 4th quarter, with Holmes emerging victorious. His catch to seal the deal was Highlight City, as was teammate Harrison's 100 yard interception. Warner and Fitzgerald delivered some fireworks of their own, but they weren't enough.

Was it my imagination or did all the commercials suck complete ass this year? The only time I remember laughing was the Bud Light commercial where they throw the guy out the window. The only other time I chuckled was during the Alec Baldwin Hulu.com commercial. And that wasn't much of a chuckle. Everything else was pretty unremarkable. More dancing lizards, whatever. If you're going to spend that much for a Super Bowl ad, you really need to try harder. And only a one second ad for the Miller High Life guy? Come on Miller. I love this guy and you tease me by only giving me a second of air time? Oh well.

Too Many Changes

2009-01-30T16:01:00.002-06:00

Hey kids, after a lot of thinking, I've decided to rename the Lounge. I still love Rod Beck and will continue to try and honor his memory, but I decided I'd like to give the site a more universal appeal. Therefore, the Lounge is dead and Effectively Wild is born. You can continue to count on the same great Cubs coverage (or lack thereof). The humor will remain the same, but I hope to make this site more than just a player tribute page. Basically, this is just what the industry weenies call a "rebranding". I hope that this site can get better in the future with more consistent posting on my part. Welcome to the Wild!

Blow it Up

2009-01-30T14:03:00.005-06:00

I've seen a plethora of open letters to Tom Ricketts, the would be owner of the Chicago Cubs. far be it from me to buck a trend. I have one wish to convey to Mr. Rickett: Blow Up Wrigley Field.

What's that? "Sacrilege!", all the baseball purists cry. "Never", trumpet the Chad and Trixie crowd. "Tradition!", the blue clad mob of die-hard crusty Cub fans scream. What the fuck is this, Fiddler on the Roof? Seriously, Wrigley Field must go.

Don't get me wrong, I love Wrigley as much as the next Cub fan. She's a grand old lady, a ghost from baseball's past. Her brick and ivy clad walls have seen the passage of time and the making of history. They have seen great players of the ages and seen baseball's color barrier fall.

But do you know what they haven't seen?

A World Series Champion. That's right, the Cubs have never won it all in the Friendly Confines. I don't believe in curses, hexes, goats, black cats, and other mumbo jumbo, but it cannot be denied that Wrigley has seen more than her fair share of futility.

Along with all that history, Lady Wrigley has also been ravished by the forces of time. Netting can't hold back this erosion forever. Cub fans, we need to come to terms with the fact that this place will eventually crumble to dust. We can choose to cling to the past or we can rise up and embrace the future. Mr. Ricketts, the choice is yours, but I for one would like to see the Cubs begin construction on a new state of the art ballpark, something to rival the scope and tradition of our venerable old ballpark, as well as icons like Yankee Stadium and Fenway Park. Let us forge not just a new ballpark, but a new winning tradition to go with it.

Time marches on. The years slide by. Other franchises have changed stadiums several times over while Wrigley has remained. She is a jewel, albeit a flawed stone now. Let her go gracefully into the shadows of the past and let us a have a new glittering diamond worthy and reflective of the new century. I say we begin construction of a new park, to be completed in 2015. As was the case for Yankee Stadium, let the All-Star Game be played one final time in Wrigley in 2014, the 100 year anniversary of her construction. Let us send Wrigley out in style.

Mr. Ricketts, I realize that you met your wife in Wrigley's stands. I know that you understand what being a Cub fan is and how important tradition is. But I urge you sir, to not just look to the past. Tradition is important, but you are the owner now, the steward of this franchise. It's up to you to not just honor tradition, but create it.

MB's Neighborhood: What's Up Chicago?

2009-01-08T15:00:00.001-06:00

MB here. I can't tell you how happy I am be to be in this city. There were no black people in Texas, man. Seriously, cracker central. Now, I know that some of you may be a little scared to see me here. You've probably heard all the rumors and bullshit about my temper. That's why I'm here, man. I want to dispel some of the salacious attacks against my person.

1. The Bottle

Man, I wasn't upset that the fan threw a bottle at me. I was just pissed that it wasn't a plastic beer bottle. Who the fuck throws a water bottle? A real sports fan throws a beer. Cheap bitch. Throw a motherfucking bottle at me, I bust you one in the-whoo, sorry. Calm blue ocean, calm blue ocean.

2. The Balls on the Field

I was seriously just trying to help the umps out. You know how they've got those little ball pouches around their fat waists, yet they're always running out of balls and the ball boys have to run back and forth all the time. I was just cutting out the middleman, making sure the umps had plenty of balls. Damn sure they don't have any between their legs, blind cocksuckers. Tell me what's a strike, you no-good jerkoff, I'll cut you-hey now, wow. Deep breath, MB. Just chill, man. I'm an Eskimo in an igloo baby. It's all good.

3. Jeff Kent

I don't understand this one. I called Jeff Kent a racist. So what? Jeff Kent is a racist. He's such a cracker there's a picture of him on the saltines box. He's the head cracker. He's also a dick with feet. Fuck Jeff Kent.

4. How I Tore My ACL

This was pretty stupid, I'll even admit. I got hurt trying to twist away from my own coach. But both me and Meachem heard that umpire call me a "fucking piece of shit". Todd Helton heard it, too. 'Interesting' my black ass. Winters is lucky I didn't get a hold of him back then. I'd have twisted his head off his fat fucking neck and shat in it. But not anymore. I'm rehabilitated. That shit just slides off me now. Sonofabitch. I missed playing time thanks to you, dickweed. How'd you like it if I poke your eyes out, take away your livelihood for a while, bitch? That's ain't how you talk to a man on the field, you worthless-easy, MB, easy. It ain't worth it. Sticks and stones, brother, sticks and stones.

5. My Run In With Ryan Lefebvre

Who really gives a crap what I did to some announcer? In Kansas City? Thanks for comparing me unfavorably to some guy who did crack. Man, I just get angry. You'd be angry too if your parents had named you after a damn board game. All growing up, motherfuckers coming up to me: 'Hey, Pictionary' or 'What up, Monopoly? Sorry, Parker Brothers, I guess you failed the Game of Life. You sank my Battleship, Connect Four.' You try dealing with that shit and see if you end up normal.

I just want to reassure the city of Chicago and Cub fans everywhere that all this acting up is behind me. My behavior has been improper and I accept the consequences. I ask my fellow ballplayers and the fans for their patience and understanding. Life here can be difficult for me, but I promise to be reasonable and use good judgment. I have served my time in anger management treatment. You deserve better from me. I can be better. I will be better. Who said 'Mousetrap'?! I will bust my foot off in your ass!

2009: Welcome Back to the Lounge

2009-01-06T14:32:00.005-06:00

Hey kids, Arcturus here. It's a new year here at the Lounge and we're starting to gear up for the upcoming season. Hopefully, the actual season will be better than the offseason. Here at the Lounge, our good friend the Mustache has departed, leaving to go to Cleveland with the Closer Beard. Sadly, the Cubs chose to part ways with TSL favorite Kerry Wood. Wood is joined in Cleveland by utility wunderkind Mark DeRosa, whose departure opens a huge gap. And no, that gap isn't and cannot be filled by Aaron Miles, the white Ramon Martinez/Neifei Perez. The Cubs also added Joey Gathright and let Jim Edmonds fade into the sunset in search of greener pastures and seedier leather bars. Also departing will be the legendary Hank White and the not so legendary Bobby Howry. Hopefully, Jason Marquis will be the Rockies' problem in 2009, as he could be traded any day now. Hendry also added mercurial slugger Milton Bradley, who when healthy promises to be an exciting addition to the club, on and off the field. There are also rumblings of the sale of the Cubs finally coming to pass, so it promises to be an exciting year indeed.

With the assumption that Carlos "The Marmolnator" Marmol will be appointed the Cubs' closer, the Lounge has a new feature in the sidebar. Marmol-Nation will track our favorite fireballer's stats for 2009. Never fear, The Soto-Rooter will continue to highlight the offensive and defensive achievements of the Puerto Rican Teddy Bear, Geovany Soto. In addition, pending his physical, the Lounge will feature commentary from a special new contributor. I expect to hear from him Wednesday or Thursday.

It's a new year, and soon to be a new season of Cubs baseball. The Lounge will be back with a bang with more posts, more douchenuggets, and gayer than ever. Happy 2009!

Change is Afoot

2008-11-12T09:14:00.005-06:00

The three of you who read this website may have noticed that my name changed. LoserPoet is no more, replaced with Arcturus. What does this mean for you, the loyal reader? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Our crappy content will remain the same. I also wanted to announce that the Lounge will officially reopen once the baseball season begins. I will offer updates should the boys in blue do anything useful during the offseason.

If you don't know, Thunder Matt's Saloon has closed its doors. While I wasn't associated with the Saloon for very long, I enjoyed the hell out of my tenure there and am totally psyched to be part of the TMS crew's latest venture: PompCulture

PompCulture promises to be a beacon of humor and wit in the internet wasteland. There will still be Cubs content, although that will not be the main focus. Hopefully, it will be an entertaining look at pop culture, politics, entertainment, and sports that people will enjoy reading. Check it out, you just might like it.

As for the Lounge, I can't promise to post every day, but with the death of TMS, this site returns to being my main outlet for all things Cubs. Hopefully 2009 ends on a better note than 2008 for the Northsiders. Viva Rod Beck!

The Soto-Rooter Takes Rookie of the Year

2008-11-12T09:06:00.009-06:00

No surprise here, but Geovany Soto, rook catcher for the Chicago Cubs, pantsed the competition to take home ROY honors for the National League. The sexy Puerto Rican hit 23 home runs and drove in 86, posting a .285 average. All while being one of the best backstops in the game, rookie or no. Not too shabby, Geo. We'll toss back a cold one for you, buddy!

The Offseason Sucks

2008-11-05T19:24:00.003-06:00

Hi motherfuckers,

Just checking in to see how things are going with the Lounge. The bar's a bit dusty and I think one of The Mustache's whores might have died in the corner. I've been pretty busy with the Thunder Matt gig and have really enjoyed working with the other bartenders over there. If you've been paying attention, you know that TMS is changing its name and ceasing to be a Cubs blog. Witness the birth of something cool at www.pompculture.com

Mostly what I came here to reflect upon was how shitty the offseason is. Granted, I've begun following football, so I'm not quite as bored as in years past, but the pigskin will never replace baseball as my obsession. Currently, I'm waiting with bated breath to see if Hendry has the stones to wrest Jake Peavy from the Padres. Zambrano, Harden, Peavy, Lilly is enough to make my dick as hard as that brick in left field Soriano's afraid of. We shall see.

In other news, the fate of the free world will be back in capable hands on January 20th, 2009. Thank Jebus. Aside from Obama's white Sox leanings, I think this is a good move for the country, although he's got quite the mess to deal with when he takes office. Temper expectations and hope for the best.

Peace out, see ya in a month or so . . .

85-54: Don't Worry, I'll Leave the Light On . . .

2008-09-03T13:00:00.003-05:00

Well kids, the Cubs have dropped four straight. We're officially in the worst losing skid of the year. Now I'm sure all the ledgies and bandwagoneers out there are freaking out, but take heart, oh followers of the Cursed Lost Baseball Tribe, this too shall pass. Captain Walker's out there and he's bringing the children of Cubdom home. It was inevitable that the Cubs would go on a losing streak. That they chose to go on one while the Republican Convention is going on is the only thing that depresses me. I have my own personal Slumpbuster planned for the evening, however. I'm simply not going to watch. Or listen. Or even acknowledge that there's a team on the Northside this evening. It's worked before and hopefully it'll work again. On the plus side, the Sausage Slingers haven't been able to gain any ground, so things remain status quo in the Central.

In other news, I've been offered a chance to join the fine folks over at Thunder Matt's Saloon. What does that mean for the Lounge? Well, it's not going anywhere, although you may not see the same level of activity. The Soto-Rooter will continue to get updated and the martini light will remain on. I hope you'll look for my posts there and stop by and hoist a few Coors' Lights here from time to time. It's been real . . .

80-50: The Fukudome Question

2008-08-25T15:26:00.004-05:00

The Cubs are 30 games over .500. Let that sink in a bit. Take your time. I'll wait.

Still here? Okay, let me just say, wow. There's only 32 games left, the Cubs are in first and they still look pretty good. Oh, Fukudome's been struggling, and Howry and Cotts could both end up gator bait and I probably wouldn't complain, but nothing's perfect.

There seems to be two schools of thought on Kosuke. There's the "He Sucks, Bench Him" brigade, undoubtedly the same panic prone ledgies who freak out whenever the offense slumps or Big Z has a bad day. Then there's the folks at Cubs.com who think everything is fixed with one pinch hit homer. A nice homer to be sure, but no guarantee that Kosuke's troubles are behind him.

The truth probably lies somewhere in between. Has Fukudome struggled? Uh, yeah. Anyone who watches baseball can see that. Is it time to pull the plug and send him back to Japan with his tail in between his legs? Absolutely not. First of all, the guy plays a Gold Glove caliber right field, something the Cubs haven't had since . . . since . . . since . . . oh, hell, not in my lifetime. Do you really want Sammy back? How about Jacque Jones? Jeremy Burnitz? Didn't think so. Second of all, this guy can hit. We saw it in the first few months. He hit like a beast in Japan, which while not the equal of the majors, is to my mind a notch above Triple A. He has a track record. I think we need to stick with him and hold on. The Japanese leagues don't travel the way MLB does and don't play as many games. While I think Japan has good hitters, the pitchers in the majors have the edge. I think Fukudome will continue to learn and adjust to the pitching and conditions. I think next season he's going to really surprise a lot of people with how good he really is. Is he ever going to hit 30 home runs? Probably not, but with our lineup, he doesn't need to. People can go on and on about how corner outfield spots need to be power spots, but when you're getting good HR production from 1B, 3B, LF, and C, you're doing pretty good. Throw in some solid power from DeRosa and Edmonds and every HR Fukudome hits is gravy. That said, I believe he WILL get better. The question, ultimately, is whether he'll improve enough to make a difference this season. I think he will and I reiterate I think he will be a badass in 2009. Look at the difference between Theriot in 07 and 08. Theriot kind of wore himself out last year and this year is cooking along nicely. It's a difference in conditioning for a major league season. One could even argue Fukudome was working himself too hard, following the regimen he was accustomed to in Japan, where the practices are longer. I have to say, his defense is too good to replace him. If he can get his stroke back, he can continue to hit near the bottom of the order and hopefully contribute. I think the rest of our offense is solid enough to absorb it if continues to struggle. If he's still struggling come playoff time, we can always use Reed Johnson and Edmonds in right and center.

Anyway, the Cubs took 2 of 3 from D.C., losing only one game in spectacular fashion on my birthday. Naturally. Still, some things remain constant. Carlos Zambrano is still awesome. Mark DeRosa continues to be one of Jim Hendry's smoothest moves as a GM. Rich Harden is filthy. And the Soto-Rooter put another jimmyjack on the board, giving him 19 on the year. And the motherfucker can catch! There are 32 games remaining. I doubt the Cubs can go 20-12 to notch a hundred win season, but if they keep playing this way, they might come damn close.

Mustache Rides, August 19th, 2008

2008-08-19T14:38:00.006-05:00

Hey douchebags, The Mustache is back. The Poet's still busy at his 9-5 job, so I'm here to stir things up. In case you haven't noticed, I'm employed again as Kerry Wood has returned from blister hell to resume closing for your Chicago Cubs. So the ol' Hairball is back in action as well, keeping that shoulder tendon of Woody's nice and strong. The pay is good and the brew and the bitches are flowing.

Me and the Closer Beard have been watching the Olympics the past week or so. Pretty sweet job by that Phelps kid. USA all the way. My favorite sport is the beach volleyball. What'd you think I was gonna say, gymnastics? Sun, sand, and tiny bikinis, that's the way to go. Sit me down at the end with cold bucket of brews and that's the perfect day for the 'Stache. Here's what's shaking . . .

http://epicnomz.com/blog/?p=11

The Mustache wants one. Your mustache wants one. Obey or die, little man.

http://epicnomz.com/blog/?p=11

Every time a strip club closes, the ‘Stache gets a little misty. Excuse me a moment . . .

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,395243,00.html

Designer Vaginas? No thanks, paying for middle-class level vagina is expensive enough . . .

http://www.mercurynews.com/breakingnews/ci_10043218

One woman answering the Mustache’s call to crazy things up. Come on ladies, do it for the ol’ Hairball.

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/comment/faith/article4436051.ece

WTF moment of the week. Apparently, the Pope is hopping mad . . .

http://www.modbee.com/local/story/376089.html

Another hot bi-sexual teacher. The Mustache still feels gypped.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/7540427.stm

Flat Earth? Is that anything like flat-chested? They both suck ass.

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/08/02/BAUF123RT3.DTL&type=newsbayarea

That's all there is to it, the Mustache is fuckin' going to the Beaver Festival.

All right kids, that's it for me. I'm fucking sick of typing. In keeping with the Olympic Spirit, here's some stuff that fires up my torch. Drink one for me.

74-47: Stay Classy Atlanta

2008-08-15T09:19:00.005-05:00

The Cubs completed a three game sweep of the Braves by bitchslapping Tom Glavine around like a little girl on Thursday, scoring 7 runs off the future HOFer in 4 innings. Ted "The Killer" Lilly gave up 4 runs, but struck out 8 and nailed one whiny little bitch of a shortstop in the arm. This prompted the benches to clear, despite the fact that a Braves pitcher had thrown near Soriano's head in the previous game and broken his hand in the earlier series at Wrigley.

Now normally, I don't go in for the beanball nonsense. The Cubs took the high road in the Brewers series earlier and refused to be baited into a childish pissing match. I applauded them for being the more mature team and not getting distracted from playing the game. The Braves are a different story. The animosity here dates back to last season, when Alfonso knocked three homers in a single game. The next day he caught one in the ribs. Ted Lilly retaliated in that series, drilling Edgar Renteria, and was tossed before warnings were even issued, which was complete crap. It should have ended there, but of course it didn't. Renteria felt the need to go after Mike Fontenot, chopping Mike on the neck when he stole second and went in hard. Apparently, Atlanta feels that the score wasn't evened up, which I can't understand at all. Soriano=Renteria, plus we let you smack our 2nd baseman, and Lilly was tossed, whereas Hudson wasn't despite nailing Soriano. If anyone should feel slighted, it's the Cubs.

In 2008, the Braves came to Wrigley and they broke Soriano's hand with a tight pitch. Now he gets buzzed near the dome after continuing to offensively punish Atlanta. What a childish bunch of crap. Frankly, I expected better from a Bobby Cox managed team. Ted Lilly manned up and nailed Yunel Escobar, who should be directing his complaints to either Francisley Bueno, who was the one who threw near 'fonso's head or to his manager for allowing this bullshit to continue. At least Lilly wasn't tossed last night like he was last season. I'd also advise Escobar not to screw with Ted Lilly. The Ted Lilly Fan Club sums it up best here.

I'd like to think this is all over and done with, but the Braves can't seem to let this go. You know, if Alfonso Soriano is beating the crap out of you, maybe you should blame your pitching before you throw at the man. You could always walk him for crissake. I guess what irritates me the most is that the Braves have the gall to be pissed off when the Cubs retaliate. If you're gonna stir the shit, don't be surprised when some splashes back on you. 6-0 motherfuckers. See you next year.

71-47: Cubs Still in First, Olympic Distractions

2008-08-12T11:40:00.005-05:00

Been a busy week for me as we finished up our fiscal year end. Been watching the ballgames and the Olympics over the past couple days, so this is the most I've used the remote since that Aurora Snow marathon on pay per view the other day. The Cubs took two of three from the Cardinals over the weekend, a series marred only by the colossal ass-whipping El Toro Loco took on Saturday. Luckily for me, I missed most of it, taking a TV break to finally catch The Dark Knight. I am now permanently ruined for all movies, comic book or otherwise. I liked The Dark Knight so much, I want to make sweet love to it. This was the Batman movie I've waited my whole damn life for someone to make. Thank you Christopher Nolan, you rock.

Dempster was awesome on Sunday, even if I did skip some of the game to watch Michael Phelps and company kick some Frenchie butt. This is the first year I've been excited about the Olympics in quite a while and like a lot of people, I've been caught up in the Phelps mania. I love swimming anyway, but this guy is just something else. Usually I just watch the beach volleyball and drool, but a lot of the other events have held my interest as well this year. The opening ceremonies were pretty sweet as well and whomever ends up with the next Games is gonna have a helluva time topping this year's.

Cubs meet the Braves at 6 tonight. Let's keep the good vibes going, despite rumors that Kosuke may be headed to the bench. Hopefully, Fukudome can get it going against Atlanta tonight and finish his first year strong. Go Cubs and go US.

Working in the Coal Mine

2008-08-07T08:20:00.004-05:00

I've been MIA lately as this week is the busiest time of the year where I work. Not that any of you really gives a rat's ass, but I thought I'd make sure to post just so people don't think the site is folding or anything. As soon as Monday rolls around, things will return to normal (whatever that is) and regular posting will resume. So to the five people who read this web site, I say thank you. Kisses.

R.I.P. Rod Beck

2008-08-01T10:23:00.003-05:00

R.I.P., buddy. I miss you.

A Special Edition of Hero Worship: Rod "The Shooter" Beck

2008-08-01T08:51:00.011-05:00

August 3rd is Rod Beck's Birthday. Since I have no computer access Sunday, here is a special post regarding the man who gave this site its name.

The year is 1998. I have just graduated from college and am working full time for the first time in my life. Full blown alcoholism is still a year away. The world is my oyster. I’ve been a Cub fan for most of my life, but this is the year it turns serious. This is where true obsession begins. My main man, Mark Grace, is still with the Cubs, but this year brings two new heroes to light. The first is Kerry Wood, the young rookie phenom with the fireball arm. The other is the man who epitomizes ‘closer’ to me: the mulleted, fu-manchued, beer-bellied wonder that is Rod Beck.

He is known as The Shooter. He has a steely gaze that intimidates hitters before he throws a single pitch. His right arm has a restless energy of its own as it twitches spasmodically while he crouches over the mound, glaring in at the hitter. He is from the John Kruk school of baseball, which means he doesn’t resemble an athlete so much as a beer league softball player, probably the one who brings the keg to the game for his teammates. He is also magnificent.

Rod Beck came to the Cubs via free agency in 1998. He went on to record 51 saves in 58 chances, a big part of the Cubs’ Wildcard run. 1999 was a different story, as The Shooter battled injuries, eventually being traded to the Red Sox. In 2001, the big man had Tommy John surgery. Eventually, he was signed to a minor league deal by the Cubs in 2003.

Some of you may ask: Why the big deal about a guy who only pitched just a year and a half for the Cubs? Most of his best years were with the Giants before he ever became a Cub. All of this is true, but there’s more to the Rod Beck story. While with the minors in Iowa, Rod became somewhat of a cult figure. He lived in his motorhome, which he parked behind the Iowa Cubs’s stadium. More to the point, he welcomed many fans to share his food and beer. If the martini light in The Shooter's window was lit, it meant feel free to knock and share some good times. Rod Beck understood that baseball was a game and that it was fun. He was a fun guy who got paid to do what he loved and honestly seemed to enjoy the appreciation and attention of the fans. Other men in his position, at the tail end of the career, eking out an existence in the minor leagues, hoping for another big league shot, might have been bitter and withdrawn. Not The Shooter.

Beck did get his chance, as the San Diego Padres offered him a role in the majors again when closer Trevor Hoffman was injured. The Shooter posted 20 saves in 20 chances with a 1.78 ERA for the Padres in 2003. He was voted the Comeback Player of the Year, but struggled personally and professionally in 2004 and was released.

On June 23^rd of last year, The Shooter was found dead at his home in Phoenix, AZ, the victim of his own personal demons. He may have spent more years and had more success in San Francisco, but he elected tobe buried in Cub pinstripes. He may only have been with the Cubs at the major league level for just over a season, but it seems his heart and soul remained with the Northside Franchise. I think the fans who remember him, like me, probably feel the same way about him. He never took the game for granted and relished his big league opportunities, rare for most players in this day and age.

To me, in 1998, Rod Beck was bigger than life. When I decided to create my own baseball blog, his attitude and humor seemed a perfect fit for a tribute. There was just something electric about the guy. On August 3^rd, 2008, Rodney Roy Beck would have turned forty years old. Pick up a sixer of Coors this Sunday and drink a toast to the Mustachioed One himself.

God Speed Shooter.

http://espn.go.com/mlb/s/2003/0515/1554407.html

65-44: We Came, We Saw, We Kicked Their Asses!

2008-08-01T08:22:00.004-05:00

Thursday the Cubs laid a whupping on the Milwaukee Brewers, handily beating the piss out them with their own sausages. Jim "My Career Ain't Over" Edmonds hit two homeruns, including a grand salami. Fukudome's bat continues to rebound from his mid-season slump as he added a two run shot of his own. And our pitching? Holy Crap. Rich Harden finally earned his first Cub win and struck out nine. Nine! That's ten, ten, ten, and nine Ks in his first four games, if anyone's counting. Sabathia's been sexier, with his 4 wins and 3 complete games, but so long as we can get the new kid some runs and he stays healthy, he's gonna catch up pretty quick. Dempster continues to be the best thing to come out of Canada since LaBlatt Blue and Zambrano is just a beast. I love this team!

I didn't expect the Cubs to sweep, given how anemic the bats were to start the second half, but the Cubs came in hot after that win against Florida on Sunday and never looked back. They manhandled the Brewers offensively and our pitching dominated their high scoring offense. Now I know we're only in the first throes of August, but I gotta say, the boys in blue look very sharp. I don't expect this to be the turning point of the season or anything, as there's still plenty of ball left to play, but it was sure enjoyable.

I found myself very disappointed in the Brewers the last game. The one knock I have on their team is that they resort to childish, pantie twisting bullcrap when they get knocked around. It happened last year against St. Louis and now the whole thing with Gagne throwing behind Edmonds in the 9th. The guy hit two homeruns, didn't pose for pictures as far as I could tell, so what's with the circus stuff? It was apparent Gagne meant to hit Edmonds, but Jim pulled his butt in and the pitch sailed past him. Leave it to Jim Edmonds to NOT take one in the ass. How you could argue that wasn't intentional is beyond me, but Gagne and Yost tried. Then Fielder throws his hissy fit in the 9th and gets rung as well. Get over it Prince. It was 11-4. You could have hit one to the moon and it wouldn't have fucking mattered. I didn't see where you had anything to bitch about anyway. Eat a tofuburger and shut the fuck up. Conversely, the Cubs handled the 9th with grace. No beanballs from Eyre or Marshall, although I'd be willing to bet if there'd been a close play at second in the top half, Edmonds might have tried to take down Weeks or Hardy. The Cubs may not forget what happened, but if the playoffs are on the line the next time we see the Sausage Slingers, I doubt you'll see any retaliation. I think the boys will just file it away for 2009. Whether it's just tempers boiling over or just a low class maneuver by Yost to try and distract the Cubs, it's still bullshit. The Brewers remind me of the Cubs from 2004, when they allowed distractions and ass-whippings to get to them. (See Moises Alou, Kent Mercker, et al.) Maybe I'm wrong, but this just suggests to me that maybe the Brewers aren't quite ready for the playoffs. A little more maturity down the road and I think they'll get their chances, as their young studs get a little more seasoning. A new manager might help, too, as Yost seems sort of clueless to me. Maybe not Dusty Baker bad, but Yost's style (or lack thereof) just doesn't work for me. With guys like Lou, LaRussa, Scoscia, Francona, and Torre in the game, you just need to manage smarter. They've got a great team and they could still overtake us, but I think they have a lot of growing up to do, hopefully starting next year or the year after.

Mustache Rides: July 30th, 2008

2008-07-30T13:43:00.006-05:00

What's up, cock-knockers? It's your old buddy the Mustache, back for another round of bullshit and broads. The boys look pretty good so far, taking down Sabathia and Sheets the last two nights. And the Poet was worried. Pussy. Wisconsin may be shit for sports, but they do make good fucking beer. I've been 'faced since Sunday night. Me and the Closer Beard took a drive up north looking for some action and came across this place:

Yep, it's a strip club with a giant badger head outside, plus a storage shed with a squirrel . Only in Wisconsin, motherfuckers. It wasn't too bad, except for the dancer with the wooden leg. At least the beer was cold. Anyway, here's some more weird shit the ol' Hairball found this week:

Dougie Glanville finally got around to answering his fan mail. Nice.

The Mustache might know this chick.

This is why The Mustache is agnostic. This too.

Hey, what can Brown do for you? If I were a UPS driver, the last thing I'd fuckin' want would be a last ride in one of the turd mobiles I spent my career driving. Just sayin'

I think I found my new favorite restaurant.

All of the Mustache's teachers looked like the ass-end of an ugly mule. Where was this broad when I was a lad? And this one? Makes me wanna go back to school. With a video camera.

Sheesh. Just when I thought the Cubs-White Sox rivalry would never sink to the level of Yankees-Red Sox, this three asshats come along. It's a kid's game, you jerks. Lighten up.

The Mustache was never this hard up. Not even when I was just a pussy-tickler.

Someone’s got his panties all in a twist. Jesus Christ, drink a beer, get a blow-job, and shut the ever loving fuck up.

And now, for your leering pleasure . . . The Mustache is feeling his inner geek this week, so here's some shots of Kari Bynum from Mythbusters. Redheads, man. Can't get enough of 'em. And this one blows shit up. Hotness . . .

Disclaimer: The Mustache's viewpoints are not necessarily those of The Shooter's Lounge. If you're offended by anything The Mustache says, please remember you're taking umbrage at fiction generated by an equally fictitious strip of talking hair.-LoserPoet

62-44: Wolverine Power

2008-07-29T08:45:00.003-05:00

Jim Hendry amazes me sometimes. Not only did he snag Rich Harden from the A's, he somehow managed to convince Billy Beane to throw in Chad Gaudin as insurance. Gaudin gave up a homer to the first batter he faced as a Cub, but he's been pretty tough since then. Last night, he earned his second win in two days, pitching through the toughest part of the Brewer order. Plus his nickname is the Wolverine. How fucking cool is that?

Ted Lilly was pretty good last night, too, matching up well with CC Sabathia. Lilly did get knocked around in the sixth, giving up back to back homers to J.J. Hardy and Ryan Braun. Since both of these guys are currently blasting the shit out of everyone, I'm not too upset. Lilly gave up another run in the inning, but it could have been much worse. Considering he was basically lights out for five, that's a quality start, kids.

Marmol was pure filth in the ninth, which was nice to see. He did walk one, but the way his fastball and slider were working, it almost wasn't fair. If he can continue to pitch like that, the Cubs will be just fine until the return of the Closer Beard.

Derrek Lee was the main offensive force last night, along with Alfonso Soriano, who's starting to look like the 136 million dollar man again. The Secret Weapon made an appearance in the 9th and drew a walk, scoring on a DeRosa single. Lou rewarded him with some ale and pipe weed. No word on whether it was Longbottom Leaf or Old Toby.

Tonight's game features another pitcher's duel as El Toro Loco takes on Mr. Glass. Should be a good one, folks.

61-44: The Secret Weapon

2008-07-28T11:38:00.005-05:00

The Cubs were on their way to losing another game to the Marlins on Sunday, but luckily the offense came to life. (Apparently, somebody remembered to set off the explosive mixture needed to appease Jobu and wake up the bats). Soriano seems to be finding his groove after returning from the DL and DLee found the power stroke as well. Jason Marquis was sucky in the early going, coughing up 2 homeruns to Mike Jacobs and 1 to Dan Uggla for a total of six earned over six innings. Not so good, Jason. However, he did coax a walk from VandenHurk to bring Soriano up with two on. Mostly, this game was about the slice of awesome that is Mike Fontenot. The little hobbit came up big yet again, hitting a bases loaded double to give the Cubs the lead. Gaudin replaced Marquis and gave the Cubs another solid inning of work before Lou brought in Jeff Samardzija to close out the 9th.

I may have to eat my words on Samardzija, if he continues to pitch as he has in his first two appearances. Two games don't make a career or even a season, but the Shark does look very good. If Marmol continues to show his ineffectiveness is behind him and Wood comes back blister free, our pen should be nasty down the stretch. Of course, an acquisition like George Sherrill would further stabilize one of our main assets. The Orioles are said to want a shortstop. We still have Ronnie Cedeno. I would doubt that would be enough, but hell, you never know. The emergence of Mike Fontenot sort of makes Cedeno expendable in my mind.

The Cubs head to Cheese Country tonight to take on CC Sabathia and the Brewers. The Killer better bring his good shit and let's hope the Cubs bring their bats with them as well. CC's 4-0 since joining the Brewers and is looking Cy Young-esque. On the plus side, the Series with Milwaukee will be Marquis free.

Hero Worship: Buck O'Neil

2008-07-25T13:28:00.002-05:00

The Hall of Fame righted a wrong by awarding Buck O'Neil a statue and naming the Lifetime Achievement Award after him today at noon. This was first announced during the World Series last year, but made official today in Cooperstown. O'Neil missed the HOF by one measly vote, despite a long, milestone filled career and his ambassadorship for the game. Congrats, Buck. Too bad you didn't live to see this moment.

DoucheNugget of the Week: Julio Castillo

2008-07-25T09:26:00.007-05:00

Julio Castillo, a pitcher for the Cubs' A Club, the Peoria Chiefs was arrested following Thursday night's game in Dayton after he threw a ball into the stands, injuring a fan. Apparently, Castillo took umbrage at Dayton's pitcher hitting a Chief player in the first inning, so he followed suit, hitting a Dayton Dragons player in the head and another in the arm. The second player hit, Angel Cabrerra, slid into second with his spikes up, and Castillo then threw high and tight to another Dayton batter. This prompted some comments from Dayton manager Donnie Scott, which in turn brought out Chiefs' interim manager Carmelo Martinez, who proceeded to shove Scott. Castillo then threw gasoline on the fire by hurling a fastball at the dragon's dugout. Then as they say, it was on. Full out bench clearing brawl and a 69 minute delay to get everything sorted out. The umpires ejected 15, but were later overruled by the league office after both teams whined and complained that they would have to use pitchers in the outfield to finish the game. (You can watch the brawl erupt here on Wrigleyville23.)

As for Castillo, he whipped a ball at the opposing team's dugout, but being a Cub prospect, missed by a mile and the bail sailed into the stands, injuring a fan, who had to be taken to the hospital. I'm perfectly fine with pitchers protecting their teammates. One of your guys gets hit, you hit one of their players in retaliation, preferably on the butt or some other padded area. Firstly, you don't hit guys in the head. Secondly, as soon as you hit one guy, it's over. You hit a second, we have problems. Don't get all bitchy and whiny when the second guy hit goes in spikes up. He earned the right when you plunked him as you are no longer even at that point. Thirdly, don't compound the problem by throwing in at the next guy up. And finally, regardless of what happens, you don't heave a 90mph+ fastball into the other team's dugout.

Julio Castillo, I'm embarrassed that you're in the Cubs organization. The Cubs should immediately terminate your contract and the other teams should blackball you. The Cubs should also pay for the fan's medical bills and hopefully settle any lawsuits he/she might file. Castillo should also be held accountable for any damages over what the club is willing to pay out. This was a shameful display by nearly everyone involved. The managers did nothing to restore any semblance of calm for their players and the umpires should have taken control of the game and kicked Castillo out after the second plunking, issuing warnings at that time. Maybe that would have prevented the complete, utter bullshit that followed. This is the Delmon Young bat-throwing temper-tantrum times a thousand and the league and the Cubs need to take appropriate action.

59-42: Escape from the Desert

2008-07-24T11:49:00.005-05:00

Well, the Cubs suck on the road, but mercifully, the road trip is over for now, the Cubs managing to avoid another sweep. Alfonso Soriano returned last night, but the real hero turned out to be Reed Johnson, who smacked his second grand slam of the year. Apparently, the physical and mental strain of partying with the Shooter's Mustache and the Closer Beard caught up to Reed, forcing him to shave his awesome Fu Manchu. Some solid pitching and hitting from Ted Lilly was another difference maker as the Cubs won 10-6. Also a good sign was another scoreless frame from beleaguered pitcher Carlos Marmol, who looks to be the closer until Kerry Wood's Closer Beard eats the blister on his pointer finger. No word if Marmol plans on growing facial hair to deflect attention from his enormous elephant ears.

In more disgusting news, CC Sabathia twirled another complete game for the Brewers. Fat Bastard is now 4-0 since moving to sausage country, while our own Dick Hardon has two no decisions. Swell. Now there's talk of the Blue Jays shopping Roy Halladay and that St. Louis might be one of the teams interested if such a thing were to come to pass. Fanfuckingtastic. I'm not panicking by any stretch of the imagination, but can't we just have one year? One lousy fucking year where the Cubs could dominate the division and win the whole enchilada? One year where other fans would just have to say "Hey, the Cubs were the best team in Year X?" That's all I want. I don't want the Cubs to win so I can act like a douchebag. I just want them to win before my old man dies, before I'm too old to actually enjoy it, and so the number 1908 ceases to have any significance. Besides, I really like this bunch of goobers and I'd to see them be the team that finally ends the drought. I want to see Carlos Zambrano in the World Series wearing Cub Blue, dammit.

Mustache Rides

2008-07-23T11:22:00.007-05:00

It’s your old pal the Mustache again. The Cubs sure look shitty since the All-Star Break, don’t they? This whole no offense thing is pissing me off. On the plus side, Kerry Wood’s Closer Beard and I have a new drinking buddy: Reed Johnson’s Fu Manchu. Now instead of looking like some random Staind fan, he looks like the gay biker from the Village People, and I mean that in a good way. Welcome to the club, Reed. I'd shoot you a pic, but apparently Reed hasn't done anything meriting a photo since he grew his fine facial foliage.

By the way, The LoserPoet said I can start doing this post once a week. We'll see how motivated I am during the stretch when the hardcore drinking begins. Your dose of random weirdness starts here:

With friends like this, who needs enemies? Not the meaning of FireCrotch the Mustache is fond of.

How come I can't get a hot chick to do this on any of the flights I'm on? Or this while I'm driving? Step up the crazy ladies, the Mustache is bored. Speaking of which, whatever happened to this chick? If you're gonna go to the trouble of getting arrested, you might as well bare it all. Wuss.

One less place for the Stache to visit when the Cubs swing through New York. Good times.

If you were a 13 year old boy, why in God's name would you turn this in? Are you on crack? Go back to the PlayStation, son.

And on that note, here's the object of my affection this week, the lovely Alyssa Milano. No one looks better than her in Cub Blue. Or out of it. Plus, she actually digs baseball. Bonus points.

There's a Snake in My Boot

2008-07-23T08:48:00.004-05:00

Ugh. What a crappy pair of games in the desert. According to Yahoo Fantasy, Derrek Lee, Aramis Ramirez, and The Soto-Rooter are a combined 4 for 60 on this roadtrip. What the hell has happened to our offense in the second half? Watching the turd of a game last night after the 48 hours I had made me want to throw something heavy at the TV. Not to whine, but here's how annoying things were after leaving work Monday.

My wife and I live about 25 minutes outside of the city where we work. We carpool to save gas, so we're driving home when we blow a tire about halfway between work and home. We're on a country road at rush hour and it's about 95 degrees plus as wet and nasty as Lindsay Lohan's cooter. I jack the car up while other motorists whiz by at well over the 55mph limit. Nothing like trying to change a tire in a breakdown lane the size of a postage stamp. I get the lugnuts off okay, but the fucking tire WILL not come off. No amount of beating it, kicking it, or cursing it will separate it from the car. Now I'm hot, sweaty, and angry. A county cop shows up. He tries to remove the tire and fails. He is able to call a tow truck from our little town for us before zooming off to another call. Luckily for my wife and I, another motorist stops and offers to let us sit in his car while we await the tow truck. I won't embarrass him by posting his name, but on the off chance you're a Cub fan, thank you good sir. The Poet and his wife were on the verge of melting out there. Tow truck arrives and using the donut tire as a club, the driver knocks the tire off with one blow. Score. Donut goes on, the day is saved. Or is it?

The wife and I head home, tired and sweaty beyond belief. The tire is completely shredded, beyond repair. We figured we got off lucky that we hadn't taken the interstate home that day as that tire would have launched off the car at a higher speed. But we're good to go, because we have another car. We get home and I happen to look at my car as we go in the house. The front right tire on it is fucking flat as a pancake. So my bad back and I get to put another donut on. At least the wheel on my car slid off like butter. No worries, we can still drive to work the next morning, the day is saved, part 2. Before we go to sleep, my wife says: "Boy, we got pretty lucky. Usually bad things come in threes." On that note we fall asleep whilst a thunderstorm is going on.

We awake the next morning, my wife showers, I go upstairs to shower and before I can turn the water on, I hear my wife (who normally does not curse) go "SHIT!" at the top of her lungs. Repairing downstairs, I look in the basement and the cats are doing water ballet in the five inches of water accumulated there. You've gotta be fucking kidding me right? Two flats and a basement flood shouldn't allowed to occur in the same 24 hour period, right? Wrong. We did get everything cleaned up, although our efforts could mostly be described as comic at best.

Now I know is is all small potatoes shit. No one was hurt, no one died, Thank God. But Holy Hannah, this was just a little much to take in such a short period of time. Then the Cubs played last night and royally sucked it up, which didn't help my mood any. Kevin Hart was embarrassing at best and Sean Marshall wasn't much better. And the offense? What happened, boys? Mike Fontenot can't do it all himself, fellas. This team has got to start playing better on the road or we're gonna piss this division away. You guys are too good for this crap.

Some Changes

2008-07-21T14:53:00.002-05:00

The whole black background thing was starting to give me eyestrain, so I'm going to be screwing around with the template for the next few days until I find something I like better. Bear with me as I try my best to fuck everything up.

58-40: Bats Find Life as Cubs Avoid Sweep

2008-07-21T08:51:00.003-05:00

The Cubs' Cajun Connection of Ryan Theriot and Mike Fontenot came up big yesterday, helping the Cubs post a 9 run advantage for Ryan Dempster, who proved to be the stopper. The Cubs lost the series to the Astros and some ground to the Cardinals and Brewers. It was nice to see some signs of life from the Cubs' offense, especially the man from Japan, Kosuke Fukudome, who's looked lost at the plate over the past couple weeks. He still had some at bats Sunday where he didn't look real comfortable, but he doubled and scored twice. The final double was hit with authority, the swing more like what we'd become accustomed to from #1 Slugger in his brief. MLB career. I'm not giving up on the Fukker, as he's been too good in the Nippon leagues to suggest that he's going to continue to struggle. You don't win a couple batting titles without knowing how to hit and I'm sure he'll continue to make adjustments.

Saturday, the Big Moose wasn't as sharp as he had been before the break and the Astros took advantage. El Toro Loco did provide the lone Cub run, homering to set a new franchise record for home runs by a pitcher. What's Spanish for "Babe"? Ted "The Killer" Lilly pitched well on Friday, but received no run support save an Edmonds homerun.

Why can't this team win on the road? I thought we were supposed to be cursed at Wrigley. not the other way around. We're running out of time to figure this shit out. Hopefully, Soriano's return will provide a spark and the Cubs can get on another solid run of baseball. We've managed to hold onto first, but the Cardinals and the Brewers are both playing better ball of late. This team needs to win on the road if we're going to win this division. I don't know what they need to do, but they need to do it fast.

In other news, Milwaukee decided the Rickie Weeks experiment is a bust, trading for Ray Durham to solidify their infield. Durham's a veteran, currently hitting .293. This seems like a solid move for the Brewers, getting a veteran presence to stabilize some of the youth on their ballclub. Judging by the average, he can still hit a little bit as well. All this tells me is that Brewers aren't just going to quietly pack up their tents and fade away and neither are the Cardinals. God forbid anything should ever be easy. Such is life, such is baseball.

Hero Worship: Mark Grace

2008-07-18T10:54:00.007-05:00

The Hero Worship posts are a series of posts in which I hope to explain my infatuation with the Chicago Cubs. My father was in the Air Force and we traveled the country and beyond during the first fifteen years of my life. Aside from the three years we spent in Germany, WGN and the Cubs were our connection to our relatives back in Illinois.

I was born in Las Vegas in '76 and after a short stint in Germany we had returned to Vegas in '83. I rooted for the Cubs in '84, but being 8, I had no idea how devastating it was that the Cubs had lost as I had no sense of the history at that time. For a time I became infatuated with Steve Garvey (!) and the San Diego Padres, as Las Vegas had the AAA club for the Pads at the time. Over the next few years, I saw guys like Benito Santiago and John Kruk play for the Stars before moving on up the ladder. In 86, we moved yet again, this time to Michigan. While rooting for the Padres, I did continue to watch Cubs games with my old man, and it was thus that on May 4th, 1988, I saw the man who would bring me once more into the tumultuous arms of Cubdom once and for all. Ironically, I was watching the game because the Cubs were playing the Padres, but a young, fresh-faced first baseman for the Northside stole my heart, going 1-2 with a homerun, 2 walks, and a couple runs scored. He'd made his debut a few days before, but this is the first game I remember watching. Ironically, the homerun was what caught my attention, and Grace was never a power hitter. As the years passed, his skill on the field and his uncanny ability to rack up clutch hits cemented my affection. The next year, my family watched breathlessly as Gracie put on a show in the playoffs, eclipsed only by Will Clark. After every win, I'd retire to my room and play my "Go Cubs Go" and "Men in Blue" 45s on my old Goldstar stereo. It wasn't enough, unfortunately, and the Giants met the A's in the World Series that year.

Mark Grace remained one of the few bright spots over the next nine years. Sure Sammy came, but I was never really a Sammy guy. Mark was the steady one, rapping out doubles, keeping shortstops and second basemen from committing too many errors, enduring many jokes from Harry and Steve about his speed (or lack thereof). Plus he was smooth and cool during interviews, and he made the ladies swoon. Man, I would have killed to have been Mark Grace. There was another chance in 1998, the year I graduated college. I found new heroes that year as I prepared to leave college behind for the uncertain future. Kerry Wood with his flamethrower arm and this site's namesake, Rod Beck, The Shooter. The greatest game I have ever seen was the one game playoff against the Giants to clinch the Wildcard. Unfortunately, the Cubs were swept by the Braves.

But there was always Mark Grace. I kept watching, hoping against hope that the Cubs could score a World Series title and a ring for my hero, Mr. Everyday, the man who coined the term 'slumpbuster'. And then disaster. After the 2000 season, another dismal Cubs debacle, Mark Grace was a free agent. And the Cubs declined to resign him.

I was angry and heartbroken. The 2001 season started and manning first base was the less than inspiring combination of Ron Coomer, Chris Stynes, and Matt Stairs. Later, the sulky Fred McGriff was acquired. I still was a Cub fan and I still watched the games, but not as many as I had before and nor with as much enthusiasm. When the Dbacks reached the playoffs, I watched every game, rooting for the goateed one. When they reached the World Series, I was ecstatic. In the 9th inning of game 7, Slumpbuster himself came up against Mariano Riveria and was Captain Clutch once more, blooping a single and starting the game winning rally. My dad and I watched that game and I swear, the old man (who's about as emotional as a teaspoon) had a tear in his eye. My mom was crying for Crissakes. It was the next best thing to actually seeing a Cub World Series win. Mark ended his career two years later, but he remains my favorite Cub of all time. I did finally get over losing him to the Dbacks, since guys like Wood, Ramirez, Zambrano, Lee, Fukudome, and Soto have come along. '01 and '02 were pretty rough, though.

Mark always seemed like a team player who loved the game. I'll never forget how excited he was at the conclusion of Kerry Wood's 20K game, or his genuine appreciation of Mark McGwire when the bulky slugger hit his record breaking homerun. One of my favorite moments came in September of 2002. The Dbacks were getting crushed by the Dodgers, so Mark Grace came in and pitched the 9th. He gave up a homerun, but got great comic value for his performance, imitating teammate Mike Fetters's distinctive windup and head gestures.

Now Grace is a commentator for the DBacks and for Fox Sports. Personally, I'd love to see him in the booth with Len or Bob calling games for the Cubs. From his games on Fox, he seems like a candid, no bullshit kind of announcer. Here's to you Mark. You'll never be a Hall of Famer, but someday, I hope to see #17 on a pennant shaped flag flying high atop Wrigley Field.

Mark was a 3 time All Star (1993, 1995, 1997), and a four time Gold Glove Winner (1992, 1993, 1995, 1996). He might have won some batting titles had he not played during the same time as Tony freaking Gwynn. Mark Grace's Career Stats.

R.I.P. Dustin Eglseder

2008-07-18T08:40:00.002-05:00

Dustin Eglseder, the fan who won the the Sing The 7th Inning Stretch competition last season, succumbed to his bone cancer this past Wednesday. Dustin seemed like a pretty good guy and his victory in the contest raised it well beyond the farce it could have become. So today is a sad day for Cub Nation as we mourn the loss of one of our own. We'll throw some Coors back in your honor during the game tonight, Dustin.

All Star Shame

2008-07-16T08:24:00.003-05:00

Sorry for the lame post title, but I'm sure bloggers and legitimate journalists alike are pulling out this hoary old chestnut this morning. I stayed up and watched the whole freaking thing and I just have to say the whole business leaves a bad taste in my mouth. When the opening ceremonies are more compelling than the entire 15 inning game, then we have problems. Just a few of my beefs:

1. The All-Star Game should not count. All because of a bunch of panty-waist whiners bitched and moaned about the tie game a few years ago, Bud Selig overreacted and decreed the All-Star Game would determine home field advantage in the World Series. Until then, home field was earned by the team with the best record. I still believe this is the way it should be. Having the best record should entitle you to something and what better than home field advantage in the most important series of the year? Basing home field advantage on the results of last night's game is just pathetic and wrong.

2. The All Star Game used to be fun. Gee, Bud, remember that? I don't want the game to count. What I want is for the guys to have a good time and not take it seriously. I want more moments like Big Z's lazy curveball in on Manny Ramirez. That was awesome and to me, the best point of the night, aside from Aaron Cook bailing out Dan Uggla. Nice moments, but I still had more fun watching the celebrity softball game the night before. Why can't the All Star Game be like that? Sure, it's cheesy, but it's fun. I think we seem to be missing the point of all of this. Can't we just have the best players in baseball goof around for 9 innings without trying to win so nobody gets hurt or overextended? Which brings me to point 3.

3. If a guy pitches the Sunday before the All-Star Game, then he has no business pitching in the All Star Game. I don't care about pitch counts or any of that other bullshit. He shouldn't even be warming up. I about shit myself when Ryan Dempster came into the game yesterday. I'm sure the Rays and Dbacks were real thrilled to see Kazmir and Webb enter the game as well. Francona and Hurdle both handled things very carefully and diplomatically, but the potential for disaster is simply to great to risk throwing these guys out there.

4. The whole thing is just silly and never lives up to the hype. Last night, the game went 15 innings. Both managers emptied their benches and the game mercifully ended on a sac fly. Blah. What if Lidge had managed to get out of the inning? Would Francona have allowed Kazmir to pitch? How would the game have been decided if he didn't? Would the AL have forfeited? All of this is unanswered, but again, completely silly. Just make it an exhibition game again. Please? If it has to be the MLB's version of the Pro Bowl, so be it.

My complaints aside, the opening ceremonies were very nice. I thought it was cool how they positioned the Hall of Famers at their respective positions to greet the All Stars. Very classy. (One question: Where was Joe Morgan? Not that I missed him, but he called the Home Run Derby Monday. Too good to rub shoulders with Sandberg et al?) I really do enjoy the hoopla of the event, but the game itself is always disappointing. Come on Bud, just make it fun again. I'll still watch, I promise. It's the only frigging game on until the break is over and I needs my baseball like some people need their crack.

Highlights for me:

Carlos Zambrano-Pure filth, plus a touch of humor. His lazy curve over Manny's head had me rolling. That's the kind of thing I want to see. Guys goofing on each other, having a good time. They should have let the El Toro Loco hit. Game would have been over in 9.

Aaron Cook: Cook pitched 3 strong, bailing out Uggla in his first frame by inducing three outs while the bases were loaded. No wonder the Rockies won't make this guy available, he's nails. Fuck J.D. Drew, here's your MVP bitches.

Ryan Dempster: Ryan Dempster came in in the 9th after pitching on Sunday. He struck out the side in a display of pure nastiness. If he pitches as effectively in the second half, the Cubs will be money. Demp is legit.

Russell Martin: Martin replaced The Soto-Rooter and was all kinds of good, blocking the plate and throwing out baserunners. He personally extended the game a couple innings by himself with his great D.

I would have liked to see our offensive guys contribute a bit more, but hell, no one really did much offensively last night. Soto allowed two steals, but I think those were mostly on the pitcher. Not much Geo could do.

Selig needs to sit down and rework this game. Go back to record determining home field advantage and make the game about fun again.

57-38: All Star Relief

2008-07-14T14:23:00.002-05:00

The Cubs have reached the All-Star Break and remarkably remain in first place. Even a depantsing by Tim Lincecum and a near meltdown of epic proportions by Carlos Marmol on Saturday can't dilute my enthusiasm for this Cubs team. Do we still have issues? Hell yes. Are they insurmountable issues? I don't think so. I do think the second half of the year will be challenging for the Cubs. Let's take a look at some pluses and minuses.

Minus: The Brewers will have CC Sabathia the rest of the way, and he's already looking good in two starts for the Sausage Lovers. This is a legit concern. Sabathia is a beast and coupled with Ben Sheets, the Brewers have a really solid 1-2. I see this mostly as a wash with our own rotation, placing Zambrano in the Sabathia role and Harden as Ben Sheets. Both teams now have a solid, reliable, generally healthy starter plus a guy who's freaking awesome if he can stay healthy. It may come down to just that down the stretch. One thing in the Cubs' favor: despite Marmol's recent struggles and Kerry Wood's blister, our bullpen is still better. Now if the Brewers could get guys like Fuentes or Mahay, that might be some cause for further concern. As it stands, I see the pitching fairly even, with a nod toward our bullpen.

Minus: Kosuke Fukudome. Right now, the Japanese sensation looks a little worn out to me. He's finally hit a wall and is struggling. That said, I'm not panicking yet. Fukudome may be a MLB rookie, but this guy knows himself and knows how to play this game. Joe Morgan may not think shit of the Nippon Leagues, but I think they're a notch above Triple A. I think Fukudome's too good to struggle like this for long and he'll get back to stroking base hits and working counts like a fiend before too long.

Minus: Carlos Marmol. This is really the issue that gives me serious pause. Marmol has been absolutely filthy, a beast, ever since his conversion from starter to reliever. Many had anointed him the closer before the season began. The last month, he's been positively stinky, blowing leads, saves, and umpires. I love Marmol. He's one of my favorite guys, but I think we all know the dude's been used too much. This is how he looked in the playoffs last year. Not good considering we're only halfway home. This kid needs some rest, so we need to see more of Bobby Howry and Chad Gaudin for the next month or so. I really think the kid can bounce back, but his arm ain't made of rubber. Lou needs to mix it up a bit more.

Plus: Ryan Dempster. Who the hell saw this coming at the beginning of the year? Not me, I thought he would suck harder than a girl named Starla at a hooker convention in Pittsburgh. Thus far, you have proven me wrong O Canadian Comedic wonder. Even when Dempster loses, he doesn't look terrible, save the one game against the Pale Hosers on the South Side. Be nice if we could win some road games for the redhead during the second half.

Plus: Carlos Zambrano. Z-Money. What is there really to say? He's awesome. This is what an ace looks like, kids. Sit up and take notice. The big fella's been good the past few years, but he's taken it to new heights this season.

Plus: Wrigley Field. Over the past few years, I've listened to know nothing assholes denigrate the proud lady of the Northside. Enough is enough. I don't know what the deal is this year. Maybe it is the passing of the 100th year, the decorative safety netting, or the completely revamped field surface, but this year, the Friendly Confines have never been friendlier. It's like the team finally figured out this was their house, not just the fans.

Plus: Jim Hendry. Yeah, I said it. Ol Jimbo may have an eye for the pastries, but his shrewd wheelings and dealings have made this team, more in the past two years than in his previous tenure. He's made mistakes, but he's looking like a genius this season. He won the Fukudome sweepstakes and the Fukker's patient eye has spread throughout the lineup. He pulled Reed Johnson and Jim Edmonds off their respective scrap heaps and watched both players become integral parts of the Cubs' success. He and Lou moved Dempster from the bullpen into the rotation and entrusted a rookie catcher to lead our pitching staff. They made Kerry Wood the closer. When the Brewers made their move and got Sabathia, he returned us to equal footing less than 24 hours later by acquiring Rich Harden and Chad Gaudin. Even if Harden's arm falters down the stretch, just the fact that Jim made the move speaks volumes. Hendry is a big part of why the Cubs are legit. He found the guys in obvious and less obvious places. If the Cubs go down, it won't be from lack of effort on Jimbo's part.

Plus: Chemistry. A weird one. This is the coolest bunch of Cubs I've ever had the pleasure of watching. They hit, pitch, and field, but more importantly, they do things as a team. D-Lee and A-Ram have an off day? Here's Mighty Mike Fontenot hitting a homer out into the bleachers. Carlos Marmol struggles? Here's Sean Marshall, two scoreless and a basehit to start a rally. This is how it's been all year. Different heroes everyday. These guys are solid, they're fun to watch, and I don't hate any of them. Not even Jimmy Edmonds. We've purged the selfish ghost of Sammy Sosa for good and it shows.

The Cubs are halfway home now. Will it be easy? It never is. Still, I can't wait to watch these guys play. Win or lose, I really like these guys. If they continue to play well and if St. Louis and Milwaukee stay just a little bit behind, the Cubs should be all right. And if we make the playoffs this time, I don't see these guys going down in three.

Mustache Rides Pt. 2

2008-07-11T11:34:00.008-05:00

I'm back bitches! The Mustache has been pounding them back with the the Closer Beard and the new guy, Chad Gaudin's sweet Neck Beard. Just hanging out, checking out some tail, exchanging grooming tips. The Closer Beard got the save today. I remember when I used to pitch hungover. Guh. Never again. Since I'm on an out and out campaign to offend someone, here's another episode of Mustache Rides. This week's entry: Keira Knightley. Sweet Jesus, this lil gal is fine. Ordinarily, the Mustache likes a little more meat on the bone, but for Keira, he's willing to make an exception. For your viewing pleasure:

Disclaimer: The Mustache's viewpoints are not necessarily those of The Shooter's Lounge. If you're offended by anything The Mustache says, please remember you're taking umbrage at fiction generated by an equally fictitious strip of talking hair.-LoserPoet

55-37: Zambrano Sizzles, Lilly Fizzles Against Reds

2008-07-11T11:13:00.005-05:00

On Wednesday, Carlos Zambrano held the Reds to 1 hit, a HR shot from the Big Donkey, Adam Dunn. Other than that, El Toro was dealing, a man possessed on the mound. Carlos really seems to be on a mission, taking this team on his big, brawny shoulders. The antics have been reduced, what's left is the solid starting pitcher, the team leader. The man. Carlos Marmol was a little shaky after getting the first two outs, but the Beard came in with the bases juiced and nailed it down on a foul out to DLee.

Thursday's outing from Ted Lilly took the opposite route as he was unable to escape the 3rd. The Cubs and Reds played slugfest all day, the Reds eventually triumphing 12-7. The Reds hit 7 homeruns in the ballgame, including a mammoth Dunn shot in the rain that probably still hasn't landed yet. It might have beat those fuckers back to Cincinnati for all I know. J.M. Riccardi, you sure you wouldn't want to have Adam Dunn? Yeah, he can't hit for average, but holy freaking crap can he hit that ball far. Guy's a DHing wet dream.

Still, we took the series from the Reds, always a good thing to send the Dustbag out of town the overall loser. The Giants come to town today for a weekend series. Hopefully, Matt Cain and Tim Lincecum won't be as sharp as they were in the Bay area and we can rattle off another series win.

Dick Hardon starts tomorrow for the Cubs and I'm pretty excited. Even if his arm does blow up, at least the womenfolk have a new stud in town to watch. That whooshing sound you heard was panties blowing off all across Chicago. Those eyes, that come hither crooked smile, that five o'clock shadow . . . wait, does that come off gay? Fuck, I don't care. Mark DeRosa better watch out, there's a new sweetie in town!

54-36: Keeping Up With The Johnsons

2008-07-09T08:21:00.004-05:00

In a sweet move, Jim Hendry sent Eric Patterson, Thunder Matt Murton, Sean Gallagher, and catcher Josh Donaldson to the Oakland As for Rich Harden and reliever Chad Gaudin. It's a move that doesn't cost the Cubs too much and makes the rotation and the bullpen that much stronger. It also answers the Brewers excellent move to acquire CC Sabathia. If Harden can stay healthy, he and Zambrano form an effective 1-2 punch atop the rotation. Throw in excellent work from Dempster and Lilly and the Cubs' starting four are as good as any in the game. Marquis? Maybe Marshall takes his spot in the next week or so. Hendry also accomplished the trade without mortgaging too much of the team's future and also leaving himself some room to make a few more deals. (Cedeno/? for A.J. Burnette. perhaps?) This doesn't guarantee us a playoff spot, but well done, Mr. Hendry.

Overshadowed by the move, Ryan Dempster picked up his 10th win at Wrigley this year. The Canadian funny man is unbeaten in the Friendly Confines this year. The Soto-Rooter knocked in three and added another homerun to give him 16 on the year. Holy Crap, is this kid good or what?

In other news, CC Sabathia looked really good for the Sausage Slingers last night, tallying his first National League win. Makes me glad we got Harden sooner than later. Hopefully his arm won't fall off.

53-36: Cubs Win Road Series in St. Louis, Sabathia Lands in Brewer Country

2008-07-07T10:53:00.005-05:00

The Cubs took 2 of 3 from the Cardinals over the weekend, with Kerry Wood's Closer Beard blowing Saturday's game. Unofficial word was the Beard was hungover after tearing St. Louis a new one Friday night. The Shooter's Mustache and the Beard decided to take Jim Edmonds out on the town and "make a man out of him". Apparently, it's working as Edmonds and former boss Tony LaRussa traded barbs in the media during the series. Jesus, no wonder Scott Rolen wanted out of St. Louis so bad. I'm still on the fence about Jim Edmonds, but this goes a long way towards making him actually somewhat likable. I think if the Cubs ever hired Mr. Sunglasses to run the team, I just might have to kill myself. What a fuckin' nightmare that would be.

The worst news of the weekend is that C.C. Sabathia is apparently destined to become a Sausage Slinger this weekend, which really blows ass. C.C. and El Toro Loco could have been the best pound for pound 1-2 punch in the bigs, but alas, it's not meant to be. Is this LaPorta kid really that good? That leaves the Cubs still looking to add some rotation depth, although the big kid, Sean Marshall, certainly looked good yesterday against the Birds. Some options that appear to be available:

A.J. Burnette-nice stuff when he's healthy, seems kind of churlish for a guy who's been disabled much of the past few seasons. The Blue Jays supposedly want a shortstop upgrade. would Cedeno be considered an upgrade? Over Eckstein? Maybe.

Greg Maddux-Certainly the feel good, warm n' fuzzy trade option. I'd love for Greg to finally finish out his career in the blue pinstripes, but I'm not sure he's a legit upgrade over pupil Sean Marshall at this point. I love the Mad Dog and he's a competitor, but PetCo is helping him an awful lot.

Erik Bedard-I remember when the Cubs were trying to get the Orioles to trade us Tejada and Bedard for Prior and some other crap. The Orioles decided to pass, but did offer Tejada for Prior straight up, I believe. One of Jim Hendry's rare miscues there, the other biggie being Nolasco, Pinto, and Mitre for Juan Pierre. I don't know about you, but Nolasco would look pretty effing sweet in our rotation right about now. And Pierre? He still sucks. But Bedard is an intriguing possibility, although he seems a little inconsistent to me.

Randy Wolf-I like Randy Wolf, he's recovered well from his injury, but like Maddux, his value is inflated by the park he pitches in. He gives up too many gopher balls for me to be comfortable bringing him to Wrigley.

Aaron Cook-would be awesome, but he's apparently not available. Not even for Matt Murton and a couple minor league pitchers if Holiday is traded? Rockies would be crazy not to at least listen.

Zack Greinke-The boys at Thunder Matt's Saloon posited this one the other day and I love it. Completely hypothetical, since the Royals thus far haven't mentioned his name as being available, but Greinke is freaking filthy. His head finally seems screwed on straight, although one wonders how he'd handle pitching in a pennant race. Be nice if there'd be some way to squeeze Lahay out of the Royals as well. That'd bolster the rotation as well as give us a lefty out of the pen who can, you know, get guys out and stuff. Kind of important.

The Cubs roll on to Cincinnati for the next leg of the punishment tour. Seven Cub All-Stars include: El Toro Loco, Canadian Bacon, The Soto-Rooter, Fukkake, ARam, The Beard, and No Show. Rock on.

Happy Hank Mobley Day!

2008-07-07T10:35:00.004-05:00

In addition to being a Cubs fan, the Poet is also a huge jazz fan, specifically the genre known as hard bop. My favorite jazz musician of all time is tenor sax player Hank Mobley. He was born July 7th, 1930 and died May 30th, 1986. He was labeled "the middleweight champ of the tenor saxophone" and never really got his due while he was alive, despite a tenure with Miles Davis. Mobley boasts an incredible tone on the saxophone, very warm and fully rounded. His ear for melody was second to none. Check out albums such as : Roll Call, Soul Station, No Room for Squares, and Miles Davis: In Person Friday & Saturday Nights at The Blackhawk Complete. If you love music, you won't be disappointed.

51-34: I'm a Little Worried . . .

2008-07-03T09:03:00.004-05:00

I'm a little confused, and not in the good, college freshman girl meets the older more experienced lesbian roommate kind of confused. Specifically, I'm confused about Jim Edmonds. Edmonds hit another homerun last night, a two run shot that gave the Cubs the lead for a time. Edmonds has now hit 9 homeruns, 8 with the Cubs and is batting a robust .292 since leaving the spacious eyesore that is PetCo Park. He is proving to be the left handed power bat Lou Pinella craved in spring training and throughout the month of April. Like many others, I derided this signing when it first took place. I totally believed Edmonds was done, nothing left in the tank. Christ, I was hoping he was done, just to avoid the quandary I now find myself in. This would be the uncomfortable position of rooting for Jim Edmonds and being happy when he does well. I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. I'm glad that he's helping the team, but at the same time, I've despised the guy for so long that it's been difficult for me to cheer when he comes to the plate or makes an awesome catch. Last night, I caught myself doing a fist pump as Edmond's homer sailed over the wall between the lame-ass cars and immediately felt dirty. I feel like I watched my freshman year roommate shower and discovered I had a boner, if that makes any sense to you. I just feel . . . disturbed. I mean I still don't feel the need to go out and buy a Jim Edmonds T-Shirt or jersey, but I feel the hatred slipping away.

Anyhoo, the other thing that worries me is Carlos Marmol. Marmol was filthy for the first two batters he faced last night before he reverted to the form he's shown over the past week or so. He walked a guy, gave up a hit, and then laid a fastball over the sweetspot of the plate, which Ray Durham proceeded to massacre, tying the game, and destroying the ERA of two of my flipping fantasy teams. The quick work he made of the first two batters gives me hope that he's figuring out his issues, but he still seems to have some control issues, as well as a tendency to give up the long ball. Hopefully, Larry and Geo can get his ass straightened out. I love the kid, but it's obvious that Lou made the right choice by making Kerry and his beard the closer.

Speaking of which, not even a triple by Jose Castillo could stop the Beard from notching his 21st save of the season. Where are all you punks calling for him to be replaced now? That's what I thought. The Beard and Rod Beck's Mustache threw down in the Lounge last night and there's broken Coors bottles and panties all over the fucking place. Sean Gallagher takes on Tiny Tim Lincecum tonight. Let's see who's taller, Mike Fontenot or Lincecum. We already know Fontenot's got the bigger stick. Mighty Mouse is clutch. See you all Monday after the Cardinals series!

Mustache Rides

2008-07-02T14:35:00.004-05:00

Rod Beck's Mustache here. This is my first visit to this craphole. I think Rod would have liked it, but where's the action? Where's the beer, the booze, and the broads? It's a fucking sausage fest in here. Well, I'm here now, bitches, fresh from my stay in a Mexican jail (big misunderstanding, not the Mustache's fault). Here, have a Coors Light and sit back. The Mustache is goin' Hollywood, specifically actresses he'd like to give a free mustache ride to. Whaddya mean this a baseball site? Fuck you. The Mustache does whatever he wants. Before we talk chicks, check ME out here. Ain't I sexy? Your girlfriend thinks so. # 6 my hairy ass.

First up is Anne Hathaway. Holee Shit, did she come a long way from Disney flicks. And all without ending up a drug-abusing, no pantie-wearing, rehab entering, head-shaving, career floundering psycho bitch. Hey, those are usually the kind of chicks the Mustache hangs with! Anne's probably too classy for me, but the ol' hairball can dream, can't he? I might be a notch above her last boyfriend, heh heh.

I gotta go. I'm meeting Kerry Wood's Beard and Reed Johnson's Emo Patch to try and scare up some chicks who aren't dudes dressed like chicks in Frisco tonight!

Disclaimer: The Mustache's viewpoints are not necessarily those of The Shooter's Lounge. If you're offended by anything The Mustache says, please remember you're taking umbrage at fiction generated by an equally fictitious strip of talking hair.-LoserPoet

50-34: Adam Raised a Cain

2008-07-02T13:37:00.002-05:00

Damn, that was a brutal game last night. Matt Cain was very sharp and only needed 2 runs to beat the Cubs last night. Nobody looked very good against Cain, who appeared to grow stronger as the night wore on. The only run the boys were able to squeeze out came against former Beach Boy Brian Wilson, who struck a flu-dazed Riot out to finish off the save. Not good, especially considering the Cubs still have to face Tiny Tim Lincecum tomorrow night. Hopefully, we'll be able to tee off on Kevin Correia tonight, but since the Cubs have probably never seen this dude before, that prospect seems unlikely. At least we have the Canadian Comedian going tonight in what will hopefully be a bounceback performance from the Crosstown Catastrophe last Friday.

The good news is that the man, the legend Reed Johnson and his emo beard will be back tomorrow and El Toro Loco returns Friday against the hated Cardinals. Will he be any good? Christ, I hope so.

Monday night's game against Barry Zito was a laugher that the Cubs desperately needed after the egg they laid at the Cell. Thanks Barry, your check is in the mail. Mark DeRosa continues to be one of the most underrated signings the Cubs made in the offseason last year. I had him on my fantasy team when he was a Ranger in '06, but even I was surprised that he's been able to string together this many good seasons. Plus he excels at multiple positions, which seems to titillate the ladies. I'm sure his wife was less than amused by the video of him cannoodling with cute country crooner Juliana Hough. Long as you keep it in your pants, big boy!

49-33: Ugh

2008-06-30T11:20:00.003-05:00

What a lousy weekend for baseball. I feel like I've been punched in the junk. After the previous week's sweeping of the Pale Hosers, they returned the favor by sweeping the Cubs out of the Cell. Christ, is interleague play finally over? I really hate playing the AL, not because the AL is so much better than the NL, but just because I've never liked the idea of interleague play at all and in fact dislike the American League rules. I really loathe the DH and believe such an abomination should never have been allowed to come to pass. I think pitchers should hit and anyone who hits should play the field. I'm looking at you Big Papi and Travis Hafner. Oh, sure, it elongates a few careers and I'm sure the Player's Union would cry like a buncha pussies were the rule ever changed, but I still think it's a stupid rule. You put nine players on the field, those nine guys should hit. What's next, softball shit, where you can pinchrun for a player and then put the original player back in? Come on.

Anyway, what a lousy series. The boys looked a little lackluster and the Sox were just better. They really pitched well to Aramis, especially after he made them his bitch the previous weekend. Oh well. Still in first, still best record in the bigs. Zambrano's coming back, Soriano's on the mend, and maybe, just maybe, God willing, C.C. Sabathia might be a Cub this year. Keep your heads up, kids. The Giants come to town, bringing Barry Zito and his enormous ~~contract~~ ERA with him. After dropping the last couple of series, it's good to see an NL West team coming to town.

48-29: Streak Snapped At 14 Games

2008-06-25T14:12:00.004-05:00

Wow, it's been a while since I posted, so I'll bet the three of you losers who read this site were pretty disappointed, huh? Let's just say that the family had a bunch of medical issues this week, both human and feline, but things seem to be back on the upswing. Since I've been gone a while, I have some shit to get off my chest:

First of all, the Soto-Rooter has been updated. The bad thing about that is his batting average seems to keep falling. Come on Geovany. If you really want Rookie of the Year, you need to hit, big boy. Of course, an All-Star appearance won't hurt the cause and that's looking pretty likely.

Second, Rod Beck's Mustache has a message for my brother in law, who predicted the White Sox would sweep the Cubs over the weekend. The message reads: "Seriously? You thought the Pale Hosers would sweep? At Wrigley? Dude."

Third, a message to the White Sox organization in general. When the fuck did the White Sox turn into the whiny kid from next door who hates you? This kid has all the shiny new stuff that you don't, and he brags about having the shiny new stuff, but he still is jealous of you for some reason and feels the need to rag on your broken down shit. I just don't get it. The White Sox won a WORLD SERIES in 2005. Their ballpark, although somewhat lacking in character, is newer than Wrigley Field. They currently reside atop the AL Central despite NO ONE even remotely thinking they had a chance to be there. And are they happy about it? Oh, hell no. (And White Sox fans, this isn't aimed at you. I know plenty of Sox fans who are happy as clams. That's cool. I'm not interested in dissing you guys, so don't freak out.) Instead, their douchenozzle of a manager talks about the rats at Wrigley being the size of pigs. AJ Eyechart asserts Cub fans are "idiots". Some rookie douchewad I've never heard of tells us Wrigley Field smells like urine. The GM even gets in on the act, by telling us he'd have to be desperate to take a job with the Cubs. Like we'd want him. Jim Hendry may be far from perfect, but he's made some pretty big deals. And no, we haven't won a World Series, but I don't understand why Kenny Williams is upset because Cub fans didn't really care whether or not the Sox won a Series. What did he think would happen exactly? Did he think that the second the Sox got the final out against Houston that Cub fans would suddenly decide en masse to throw their blue hats into the gutter, scream "I've been wasting my life on my bullshit team!" and just give up and become Sox fans? It doesn't work that way, Kenny. Sure, there are some bandwagon jumpers who will hop on and off as the team performs well or poorly, but those are the same nitwits you see walking around Chicago wearing Red Sox or Yankee hats when those teams do well. Do you really want those assholes anyway? Don't act like I owe you allegiance just because you guys ended your drought first. I'm proud to say that I didn't root against the Sox in 05 (They were playing the Astros, whom I loathe beyond all possible reason, so it was pretty much a no brainer.) but I'm never going to become a Sox fan. it just isn't going to happen, Kenny. Bears fans don't become Packer fans, Yankee fans don't become Red Sox fans, Dale Jr fans don't become Jeff Gordon fans, so I'm not sure why you have this unrealistic expectation of Cub fans. I wasn't upset that the Sox won in 05, but I just wasn't all that excited either. Sorry, but it meant about as much to me as when the Angels won in 02, the Marlins in 03, the Red Sox in 04, blah blah blah. The only WS I've given a shit about lately is when the Dbacks beat the Yankees in 01, and that was only because my childhood hero, Mark "Slumpbuster" Grace got an effing ring out of it. The Sox are just another team to me, Kenny. What does upset me is you telling me how I should feel about your team and thinking I'm somehow a bad baseball fan for not embracing the Sox like a long lost brother. To me the standings don't matter, the attendance doesn't matter, none of it matters save that the Cubs were the team I grew up rooting for, the team that I'm stubbornly loyal to. Shit, why don't you ask me to root against my alma mater too, because that makes about as much sense. So White Sox organization and players, stop the pity party. You have a loyal group of dedicated fans. Why do you need us to acknowledge you and why do you feel the need to take shots at our team? Show some class and realize that there are some people you just ain't gonna win over.

Fourth, Aramis Ramirez. Don't ever change baby. I love you just the way you are. Does that make me gay? Nobody tell my wife. Seriously though, this weekend was badass. Stay a Cub forever, Rami. You keep hitting like this and I'll buy you some fucking chickens.

Fifth-how could we blow our fourteen game home winning streak by losing to the Orioles? Bases loaded, bottom of the 9th, down two, no outs. Three straight Ks for Sherrill. Holy Shit. I'm still shocked at how bad he made Fukudome look. Still, you can't win 'em all. Take the next two, we're still golden.

Sixth-What the shit is this hottest Cub fan/hottest Sox fan bullshit on the Sun-Times website? Isn't it enough that we have to play six games against the Southsiders? Just keep stirring that pot motherfuckers. Maybe a real news story will sneak up on you while you're looking for baseball fans in thongs.

That's enough for now. See ya on the flip side.

45-27: Aww Shit

2008-06-19T10:38:00.003-05:00

The Rays took the series with the win last night, but the worst news was that El Toro Loco experienced what was described as right shoulder discomfort. The Big Moose has been a tank for the Cubs the past several seasons, so hopefully nothing terrible will be revealed when he has his MRI in Chicago. Zambrano did report that the shoulder was feeling better, so hopefully this all turns out to be nothing. Regardless of whether Zambrano is okay, the Cubs need to seriously try to acquire C.C. Sabathia from the Indians. Peter Gammons doesn't think the Cubs have what the Indians would want to make the deal happen, but I think that depends on what the Indians are looking for. If they want some major league players who are ready now, then I seriously doubt we can pull the deal off. However, if they want some decent prospects, I think the Cubs can accommodate them. It might take a healthy chunk of our farm system to accomplish, but I think they could pull it off. Guys like Ceda, Veal, Patterson, Cedeno, and a few others may be enough to get this done. If however, the Indians are adamant about receiving some serious major league talent, I think the Cubs will be shit out of luck. From Sabathia, the talent level drops considerably. A.J. Burnett is intriguing, but he's a little too Prioresque for my taste. Plus, he seems like kind of a dick, but what the hell, we already have Jim Edmonds and the douche factor hasn't seemed to alter the mood in the clubhouse to this point. What's one more nozzle in the scheme of things when you have Uncle Lou around to bust balls? Rumors also tie the Cubs to the carcass of Erik Bedard, which does sort of worry me a little since he's pitched like mule shit for Seattle. The return of Maddux would be good PR, but not really the upgrade over Gallagher/Marquis that would put us over the top.

DoucheNugget of the Week: Hank Steinbrenner

2008-06-18T11:24:00.004-05:00

Amazing. The jackass apple doesn't fall too far from the tree, does it? We've already witnessed Hank mouthing off about Joba in the rotation before Joe Giaradi was ready to make the move and now the Baby Boss is calling out the entire National League. Apparently, the National League needs to "grow up and join the 21st Century" by hiring either washed up losers who can't field anymore or young guys who couldn't field to begin with to hit for our pitchers, who must just be a little bit more athletic than their AL counterparts. I do agree that the Majors need some parity with the rules between the two leagues, but I say the AL needs to man up, drop the DH rule, and start playing some real baseball. You know, if you teach your guys how to run the bases and practice it, maybe they won't get hurt like Wang did. Personally, the whole idea of interleague play makes me want to puke anyway, but don't be blaming the senior circuit because your guys are a bunch of pansies who don't know how to play the game. It's pretty simple, Hank. You throw the ball, you catch the ball, and you hit the ball. If a guy is on the field, he should be required to bat, it's as simple as that.

And if you somehow succeed in this quixotic quest to install the DH in the NL, be forewarned, Son of Steinbrenner. A large, crazy Venezuelan man will be waiting for you in your driveway one morning. He'll have a baseball bat and a wicked gleam in his eye. Don't Mess with The Zambrano. If you take away his at bats, it'll only lead to more battered teammates and water coolers.

45-25: Canadian Bacon and Hall of Farce Game

2008-06-16T13:36:00.004-05:00

The Cubs went to the land of the Great White North (ey), and took 2 of 3 from the Blue Jays, including a nice game against ace pitcher Roy Halladay. While for some blessed reason the game wasn't televised on Friday, I got plenty of Len and Bob goodness Saturday and Sunday. Over the past couple of years, Len and Bob (especially Bob), have really grown. Harry's been dead for ten years now, which still amazes me when I stop to think about it and Steve Stone has turned into a smugger douchebag than when he was an announcer for the Cubs, which was too bad. With the Cubs, he was on that borderline, but never quite crossed the line. Oh well. There's always my memories. But anyway, I was talking about Len and Bob, who have evolved into a very likable duo behind the mics for the Cubs. I especially love Bob's disdain for all things umpire and his insights as a former player and manager always interest me. And Len Kaspar might be a cornball, but at least he honestly seems like he's having a good time and he seems to be learning from his baseball savvy partner. Any way, enough knob slobbering.

Today, the Cubs are forced to take part in the annual dog and pony show that is the Hall of Fame Game. Instead of getting a day off to rest between this series and the next, which comes against the suddenly toothsome (Devil) Rays, the Cubs will instead be in Cooperstown playing a game that doesn't matter at a time where we can least afford to play games that don't matter. Too bad the tradition had to end this year and not a season earlier. Lou Pinella has expressed his general disgust with having to play this game, so I won't go too deeply into this, aside from pointing out there are some so called baseball purists who not only want this goofy tradition to continue, but who have the gall to suggest that Uncle Lou and the boys need to show a little more respect for the National Pasttime. I personally would prefer the Cubs skip this farce and proceed to win the division and then the World Series. I think that would honor the game a lot more than parading around Cooperstown on what should be an off day. Let's just pray no one gets hurt who might be essential for our potential success this year.

If this tradition must continue, let me suggest that the game be scheduled for the last week of September and that teams be selected at that time from the teams already mathematically eliminated from competition. I have no problem with that. I do have a problem with this game being in the middle of a tough road trip , eliminating a day Lou could have used to give the Cubs some much needed rest. Those off-days are hard to come by during a 162 game season and to lose one for no good reason is frustrating. Hopefully, that one day won't come back to bite us in any way.

42-24: Bad Break

2008-06-12T08:44:00.002-05:00

Ryan Dempster pitched a complete game, the first of the year for the Cubs, who really needed it to give the bullpen a much needed night off. The Cubs may have won the game, but they lost Alfonso Soriano, possibly for six weeks to a busted finger. The only good thing I can see about this is that it means Micah Hoffpauier and possibly Thunder Matt Murton will be coming back up to the bigs to wreak some havoc for six weeks. The more time goes by and it's starting to look like a stroke of luck that some of the trades the Cubs had looked into in the offseason didn't pan out. We could have lost Murton and a pitcher to Texas for Marlon Byrd. Hopefully, the Cubs can continue to put runs on the board without Sori and just keep the wagon rolling until he returns.

DoucheNugget of the Week: Cody Ross

2008-06-11T12:07:00.003-05:00

I saw this story about Ken Griffey's 600 HR ball on MLBTradeRumors.com and it set me off. Cody Ross says: "Just give it to the Hall of Fame, get to meet him, get an autograph, whatever," Ross said. "But people get greedy. They want to make some money. I guess the whole Internet thing kicked all of this stuff off. It didn't used to be like this, but it's a different era. People get money hungry now."

Money hungry? Seriously, Cody? You , a grown man who gets paid millions (or at least hundreds of thousands) per year to play a child's game, are gonna call out some dude who caught a baseball and hasn't even decided what he's going to do with it yet? We know nothing about "Joe", the anonymous man who caught the ball, but I'm guessing he's not making millions. The ball could be worth between 15 and 100K. That's a pretty hefty sum. I love baseball as much as the next guy, but I'm sorry, if I caught that ball, it's already up for sale. If Griffey wants to buy it, I'll give him first dibs on it, but this is a once in a lifetime deal for a lot of people. And Griffey can afford to fork over 100 grand for said ball if he really wants it. with the money Griffey has earned over his career, what's a measly 100K? One less Bentley in the garage? A smaller boat for Kenny Jr Jr? And if Griffey doesn't want to pay that much, someone will. With a hundred thousand dollars, I could pay off my mortgage or put it aside for retirement. That's a lot of bread for the average man on the street. "Joe" is perfectly entitled to ask for fair market value for the ball if he chooses. I don't see that as greedy at all. I'm sure that if Cody doesn't get what he wants in terms of salary from the Marlins next season, he'll go to arbitration and won't consider that greedy in the slightest. And even with inflated salaries, I don't really see ballplayers as greedy. The owners are willing to shell it out, so why not try and make as much as you can? I don't know what "Joe's" real life financial situation is, but one could hardly blame him if he took advantage of the market and collected a windfall from this ball. Not all of us are so blessed as to make millions or even the league minimum. Next time you're cashing a paycheck, think about that, Cody. Douchenugget.

Viva La Mustache

2008-06-11T10:52:00.005-05:00

We haven't heard from Rod Beck's Mustache in a while. Turns out he ended up in a Tijuana prison after an all night bender with Kerry Wood's Closer Beard in LA. Apparently there was some property damage at a donkey show and some farmer's daughter ended up pregnant or something. There was gunfire involved, but it was all directed skyward. Par for the course for the mustache. Not to fear, Cubs' brass have paid the fines and arranged for an adoption in nine months, so the mustache is currently winging his way back to Chicago. He was not, repeat, not in Austin and has never spent any time with Cedric Benson.

41-22: Return of the Soto-Rooter

2008-06-11T09:56:00.003-05:00

Geovany Soto's 3 run shot put the kibosh on any kind of Braves comeback and allowed Uncle Lou to sit Wood's Beard last night, even though Kerry did warm up twice. The big catcher had been struggling a little bit, battling a sore ring finger, but he muscled one out to give the Cubs a five run lead which Jon Lieber was able to preserve in the 9th. In case you haven't noticed (which you'd have to be blind and stupid not to have), the Soto-Rooter has been having a solid rookie campaign and currently leads NL catchers in the All-Star Voting by some 200K votes. Not too shabby. Soto is also the early favorite for Rookie of the Year. If he can maintain this pace or even regress a little, he'll end up as one of the best catchers in the game by the time the season is over. Some voters may be swayed by Jay Bruce's big splash, but even if Geo finishes with lesser numbers than Bruce, I hope the voters keep in mind the relative wear and tear of the catcher position and adjust accordingly.

The Iceman struggled in the first inning, but then proceeded to shut the door on the Braves. The Killer even threw one high and tight after serving up a three run shot to Greg Norton. If your reaction is "Who the purple fuck is Greg Norton?" you are not alone. Both benches were warned and Len speculated that there might still be bad blood between the Cubs and Braves over the Soriano HBP and the subsequent Renteria HBP that earned Lilly an ejection and Mike Fontenot a cheap shot to the neck last season. Methinks Edgar should feel lucky to be in Detroit. Ted Lilly doesn't forget, Edgar. There's a mental fastball imprinted with a picture of your ribcage spinning in his diabolical mind, so I would enjoy the American League and thank your lucky stars the Cubs' interleague schedule doesn't include Detroit this year. Just know that you are on borrowed time. You WILL meet the Iceman again.

Guilty Pleasure: Ice Road Truckers

2008-06-09T15:57:00.006-05:00

Ordinarily, I want to watch reality TV as much as I want to see Ray King in Jason Giambi's tiny gold banana hammock, but there's just something about this show. Big rigs have always fascinated me, even though I can barely drive a standard transmission equipped automobile myself. The idea that some moron would actually risk life and limb driving a massive vehicle overloaded with heavy equipment over frozen water intrigues me. My wife and I watched the entire first season of said show and I actually find the show so compelling that I skipped an hour of the Cub game Sunday night to watch the season 2 premiere. That descion was made fairly easy by the fact that the game was on ESPN and listening to Joe Morgan and his personal ballwasher Jon Miller makes me physically ill.

This season, four of the drivers from the first season are off to a different location to transport supplies to a natural gas operation. They're even further north this year, which means temperatures are colder and not only will they drive across frozen lakes, but they will actually drive over frozen portions of the Arctic Ocean! Holy. Fucking. Shit. You have to admire a guy who's willing to drive a truck over frozen ocean. That's a pretty scary thought. In fact, they show a couple of the guys heading north to the natural gas refinery and they're driving next to boats that are frozen in place. That's pretty messed up.

Not to recap the whole episode, but one scene struck me as completely retarded. One of the guys from last year was this pissant whiner named Drew. He didn't make it through last season and this year he signs up to drive, hoping to prove himself and get some retribution on one of the other guys, who fired him during the first season. So you're going up to the frigid north, where's it's like 50 fucking below or some shit and this nozzle leaves his jacket at home. He misses a chance to go on a run because he has no jacket or cold weather gear and the guy he was hoping to show up is set to go. I'm no trucking genius, but if I'm heading above the Arctic Circle, I'm bulkier than the Michelin Man. I've got long underwear, coveralls, a parka, and as many layers as I can cram under said parka. I'm wearing all that shit indoors too, cuz you never know man. What a choad. Then selfsame nozzle sits around for the first day and because he doesn't get a load he quits. Without ever even driving mile one. What a douche. At least last season you made six trips before being a little pussy and getting fired.

I'm sure the NASCAR crowd watches this in the hopes of seeing someone fall through the ice and die, but I can't really give you a good reason why it fascinates me. Only one of the guys, Alex, is really likable, although maybe some of the guys they'll show in season 2 will be as well. Maybe it's just the idea that someone would do something so dangerous to make a living and it makes me count my blessings that although my job might suck, at least it's not going to kill me in an instant if I fuck up or just have a spat of dumb luck. Or maybe it's the rugged individualism of the men who do this for a living and I'm really queer for that. Hell if I know. Still, a guilty pleasure to watch.

40-22: Even Joe Morgan Can't Stop The Cubs

2008-06-09T15:46:00.006-05:00

In what was surely a disappointment for long time Cub hater Joe Morgan, he and sycophantic douchenozzle partner Jon Miller were treated to a Cub victory over the Dodgers last night. As far as I know, there were no Albert Pujols references, although I'll confess to missing an hour whilst watching the season premiere of Ice Road Truckers. Per usual, there were at least a couple innings in which Morgan and Miller ignored the action on the field, droning on about unrelated matters. No worries, though, as the Dastardly Duo are much easier for me to swallow when the Cubs come out victorious. Now if only we'd beaten the Cardinals during the last Sunday night broadcast. That would've been sweet. Morgan must secretly have been gnashing his teeth over the fact that the Northsiders have the best record in the bigs at the moment. Of course, he did say the Cubs would win the division this year, which probably totally jinxed us. Kerry Wood's beard notched it's 18th save and was last seen drinking Coors' Light with the Shooter's mustache at an LA strip club. Mustache rides for all!

39-22: Hair of the Beard

2008-06-06T14:32:00.002-05:00

The Cubs pulled off another late victory last night in LA, courtesy of a go-ahead RBI by Kosuke Fukudome, who also contributed his first homer away from Wrigley Field to the cause. Ryan Dempster ended up with a no decision, thanks to my least favorite ballplayer of all time, Jeff "Ump Choker" Kent, who hit two solo home runs in the game. Prick.

Most impressive though was the hard as nails 9th pitched by Kerry Wood, who surely needs a better nickname then Kid K now that he boasts a startlingly manly Closer Beard. Hitting yet another left-handed batter, Wood loaded the bases before striking out Matt Kemp with some wicked stuff to end the game. Somewhere Rod Beck is grinning at you Kerry. Wood now has 17 saves, the most in the National League and despite his proclivity to nail left-handed hitters, he looks remarkably comfortable in his new role. No surprise, TSL loves closers and to see Wood, a fan favorite for many years, thrive in the role is especially rewarding.

Other TSL favorite Geo Soto is struggling a bit, as the Soto-Rooter has dipped to a .283 average on the season. Still not bad for a rookie catcher. Add in the home runs, RBIs, and superb defense and Geo stands out as one of the best catchers in the game, rookie or no. One of the things that I really like about Geo is that he seems to bounce back after struggling for a bit, so the Poet anticipates a resurgence in the near future. The absolute bomb he hit at PetCo was certainly a good sign, but fewer strikeouts would be nice. still, it's hard to complain too much. Catcher is such a demanding position and Geo certainly seems mature beyond his years at handling the pitching staff. Much better than eggplant-brained Michael Barrett whom we foisted off on San Diego after his brief career as a punching bag last season. Who did we get back in that deal? Does it matter?

The Poet will be a lot happier once the West Coast swing is over as it's getting harder for me to stay up past midnight. Thank God the game last night didn't go into extras. Another late one tonight before things get a little more reasonable over the weekend. Unfortunately, the game on Sunday is on the Eastcoast SPorts Network so perennial douchenuggets Joe Morgan and Jon Miller will be in the broadcast chairs. Gee, I wonder who Joe will be pulling for? Any guesses on how many times he'll bring up Albert Pujols? Maybe they'll replay the whole interview Morgan did with amazing Albert the last time the Cubs were on Sunday Night Baseball. The Cubs are playing the Dodgers you say? Like that matters. On average, Miller and Morgan spend only about three innings per game actually calling the game they're watching anyway. Oh well. TV on mute and Pat and Ron on the radio. If it weren't for that damned TV delay . . .

38-22: What a Ride

2008-06-05T14:59:00.003-05:00

Hey kids. I haven't posted in a while, content to enjoy the 9 game winning streak without commenting upon it. Plus I hurt my back a week or so ago and haven't felt like doing much on the ol' computer. Never fear, though, with a steroid injection yesterday, the Poet is back, The Soto Rooter has been updated and we're back in action here at the Lounge. The other reason I didn't post was pure superstition. The Cubs were doing so well while I wasn't posting, I'd promised myself I wouldn't post until they lost.

The Padres managed to squeak out a 1-run win over the Iceman, Ted Lilly last night. Ted didn't pitch too badly at all, aside from a shaky first. Nice to see the boys win a road series. Hopefully the trend will continue in LA. Aside from beating up the bullpen quite a bit over the course of the streak, the Cubs looked pretty good, rallying back to take the lead in several of the games. The Cubs' starters need to start going a little deeper in these ballgames if we're gonna last til the end of the season. At least they didn't win 10 games, so I'd have to see Bob Brenly's naked face and Len attempt to grow a little pussy-tickler of a mustache.

I'd also be remiss in not mentioning the Friday night comeback the Cubs made against the Rockies. Truly memorable, from the shots by Fukudome, Hank White, Jim (guh) Edmonds, and Mark DeRosa, the night was truly a night for heroes, not to mention the superb bullpen stylings of Mr. Marmol and Mr. Wood. Kid K is looking truly rugged these days, with a nice thick closer's goatee that would have made the ol' Shooter proud. The Mustache approves!

And while I don't usually like to throw out any kudos to the players on opposing teams, a salute to Heath Bell of the Padres. Heath's inspiration for his stance on the mound and steely determination comes from #47, Rod Beck. He's even got the little arm swing. You're okay, Heath, even if you did pick up the win last night. Have a Coors' Light on us and don't ever fuckin' do it again. Cheers!

Trade Winds: Jason Bay

2008-05-30T09:01:00.002-05:00

I had a thought this morning on the way into work. It's a thought I've had before, but not since the Cubs acquired Alfonso Soriano. The Cubs have been making noise about going after a left-handed power bat, but there really isn't a whole lot available. What if they went within the division and went after Jason Bay? I know they already have a left fielder, but Bay seems to be back to his top form after his production dropped off the last year or so, probably due to the knee injury he was battling. True to his character, he refused to blame the injury for his issues, but healthy now, he's tearing it up once again. The way I see it, the Cubs have a couple options if they were to get Bay. One, they could see how he does in right field, moving Fukudome to center. Two, they could try Bay in center (which I believe he has played before), and Three, they could move Soriano back to second base and continue to play Reed Johnson and Fukudome where they are now.

I actually find option three somewhat intriguing. I don't know if Soriano can still play second, but I don't think he could be any worse a second baseman then he is an outfielder. By moving Sori to second, Mark DeRosa returns to the uber-utility role he excels at. Bay is an improvement over Sori in left, although not like a Gold Glove type improvement. I know Bay is right-handed, but I think he would offer great protection to Aramis in the Cubs lineup, which could look like this:

Soriano-2B
Fukudome-RF
Lee-1B
Ramirez-3B
Bay-LF
Soto-C
Johnson-CF
Theriot-SS

On any given day, DeRosa could sub for just about any of these guys. I know that's a big block of righties in there, but if the real Jason Bay is back and he brought his bat to the Cubs, this is a pretty sweet lineup. The Cubs would have control of Bay through 09, so it would be more than just a one year rent-a-player deal.

As for what the Pirates might ask in return, I would think Matt Murton would be the obvious first choice. He would replace Bay in the field and at the plate. I'm sure the Pirates would also want pitching as well, which the Cubs have. I'm not sure they'd be willing to trade too much pitching to acquire Bay, even if he's remotely on the radar.

Personally, I like this idea, just because I've liked Bay ever since he was traded to Pittsburgh. Every time we play Pittsburgh, I hate seeing him come to the plate, and have wanted him in blue pinstripes for some time. Plus he owns Carlos Zambrano, has ever since he was a rookie and there aren't that many guys who can say that. Realistically, I don't think this trade would ever happen, as Dave Littlefield is no longer in Pittsburgh and getting Bay would require too much shifting of the Cubs current field positioning. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. Plus he's right-handed and the Cubs seem determined to get a left-handed bat, even if they have to settle for a mediocre one. I also think the price for Bay will be pretty high, especially if he continues to hit like he has so far. Still, it's always fun to speculate and I'd dig it if the Cubs could snag one of my favorite non-Cub players in the game.

33-21: Keep it Rolling

2008-05-30T08:32:00.003-05:00

Once again the boys in blue staged a comeback win against a team from the west. All the cylinders seem to be clicking for this team right now, especially at home. Marquis didn't pitch terribly, aside from one inning. Seems like once again, the Cubs are getting contributions across the board. Even when the Cubs were losing, I never felt like they were out of it. Marmol and Wood were absolutely filthy in the 8th and 9th innings. Granted, the Rockies are without a good portion of their lineup, including Matt Holiday and Troy Tulowitzki, but it was still a pretty solid win. At this point, back to back sweeps don't seem out of the question, but we'll have to see how the remainder of the series plays out. The Iceman pitches tonight and hopefully he'll bring his A game.

32-21: Coming Through in the Clutch

2008-05-29T08:46:00.004-05:00

Continuing their home field dominance, the Cubs swept the Dodgers last night. The Cubs waited until the 9th to score their first run, but an erratic frame by closer Takashi Saito opened the door for the Cubs to send the game to extra innings, where Alfonso Soriano drove in the winning run. Much has been made of Soriano's bad defense in recent days, so it's nice to see the guy come through with his bat in the clutch. Cubs' brass has sent extra security goons to the bleachers to ensure the 136 million dollar man doesn't get booed or criticized too harshly. I'm sure Soriano had nothing to do with that, but it's a little annoying nonetheless. If the fans want to be critical, that's their right as ticket payers. But that's all really irrelevant anyway. The important thing is the Cubs are in first place and they won three very close games. Now if only this team can figure out how to translate their formula for success to the road, they might just be unstoppable.

Hero Worship: Bill Buckner

2008-05-27T13:17:00.003-05:00

The Hero Worship posts are a series of posts in which I hope to explain my infatuation with the Chicago Cubs. My father was in the Air Force and we traveled the country and beyond during the first fifteen years of my life. Aside from the three years we spent in Germany, WGN and the Cubs were our connection to our relatives back in Illinois.

My love affair with the Chicago Cubs started with this man, Billy Buck, as my grandpa used to call him. I was very, very young when Buckner played for the Cubs, but my first memories of baseball are of my grandfather rooting hard for the mustachioed first baseman whilst swigging Pabst Blue Ribbon from the comfort of his easy chair. This then was how I came to know the Cubs and to associate them forever with the concept of home. My grandfather gave me my first glove and bat, and he made sure me and my brother were well supplied with Cubs clothing and paraphernalia until his death in 1983. Unfortunately, cancer claimed him before he could see the ’84 team reach the post season. He was quite a man, my grandfather, and I was named for him. The first beer I ever had was a PBR, which caused me not to drink beer until well into adulthood. (Like The Shooter, I'm a Coors' Light man.) Therefore, it’s appropriate to begin this series of posts with the player he liked the most, at least in the time that I had with him.

I still have my Bill Buckner rookie card and the amount of scorn and derision thrust upon Buckner after his error in the World Series still saddens me. I personally think Red Sox Nation took way too long to forgive this man, as he played such a crucial role in the team even making the Series to begin with. It's a pity that a guy with a pretty good career will always be remembered for that one play he didn't make. As for me, I'll always remember Billy Buck as a Cub, forever trapped in the hazy screen of my grandparents' old console television.

R.I.P. Geremi Gonzalez

2008-05-27T11:43:00.003-05:00

Former Cub starter Geremi Gonzalez was killed last Sunday when he was struck by lightning. The Shooter's Lounge extends condolences to Geremi's family and friends at this time. It's one thing when an older ballplayer passes away, but Geremi was still a young guy, so that makes it a little more difficult.

Geremi won 11 games with a 4.25 ERA and 93 Ks in his rookie campaign. He was an early part of the 98 wildcard team, going 7-7 with a 5.32 ERA in 20 games started before blowing out his arm. He was a colorful character on the Cubs and the other teams he pitched for. As far as I can tell, he never really capitalized on his potential, although the injuries he suffered may have hampered his progress. Still, he seemed to enjoy the game and the fans, which was all you really needed at that time to enjoy the favor of the Wrigley faithful.

30-21: Road Warriors We Ain't

2008-05-27T11:13:00.003-05:00

The Cubs continued their less than inspiring play on the road, dropping 2 of 3 in consecutive series against Houston and Pittsburgh. The Pittsburgh losses in particular were of the brutal fashion, both coming in extra innings. Kerry Wood plunked another batter Saturday, blowing the save which opened the door for the Buccos to win it in the 14th. Then Sunday, Carlos Marmol induced the game ending flyout, only to have Alfonso Soriano lose it in the sun. Two innings later, the Cubs were cooked as Jason Bay once again gave the Pirates a walk-off win.

Uncle Lou has got to start putting a defensive replacement in for Soriano in the late innings if the Cubs have a lead. I know how important his bat is, but he can't cost us runs like that. Boston already does this for Manny Ramirez and the Giants used to do it for Barry in his declining years. If Soriano can't catch a simple popup like the one he missed Sunday, then he's a liability in the later innings.

The Cubs did pick up a win against the Dodgers on Memorial Day, but it was back in the Friendly Confines. The boys in blue need to get this road dilemma worked out and fast. This is a very good team, but they're not going to win the division in they can't win away from Chicago.

Geo Soto under .300? Say it ain't so, Soto-Rooter. Hopefully, he'll pick it up today and bring it back up.

DoucheNugget of the Week: The MLB Brass

2008-05-23T12:22:00.004-05:00

Over the last couple year, the head honchos at MLB have found a lot of nitpicky little bullshit things to focus on. While players have been injecting steroids, receiving HGH in the mail, and having alcohol and anger management issues, the goobers in the front office have been worrying about bullshit topics like whether Terry Francona and Lou Pinella are wearing their jerseys under their pullover jackets, how much gray was on Aramis Ramirez's shoes, and making Justin Miller wear long sleeves so his tattoos wouldn't distract opposing hitters.

In this vein, the brass has decided that baseball games are still taking too long and has asked umpires to enforce the asinine rules. Players, managers, PA announcers, and entertainment staff can be reprimanded for taking too long to do their jobs. All of this is ridiculous. Baseball games are long. They involve strategy and deliberation. If that's not your thing, don't watch. Forcing players and managers to speed up the pace of the game by shaving seconds here and there is just retarded. Players have established routines. Some pitchers are very quick to the plate, like Jon Lieber. Others take their time, like Bob Howry. Then there are those who take forever to release a pitch, as in Steve "The Human Rain delay" Trachsel. Trachsel holds on to the ball like some people hold on to a bowel movement. But that's his thing. Other players, like Nomar, have an elaborate batting ritual. All of this is part of the game. You have to respect the game and what goes along with it. You can't sandblast all of the personality out of this game. It's still the greatest game in the world in my opinion, partly because there are no time constraints. Everything in today's instant gratification society is about time. Fast food, TV on demand, movies on demand, everything has to be now, now, now. Baseball is the last bastion standing for taking things leisurely. This is supposed to be enjoyment. It's a kids game, played for the amusement of the masses. Stop fucking around with it. My life is all about rules, timing, and deadlines. Baseball has to have rules, sure. But the rules that defined the sport for over a century don't need to bow to the modern world. Hell, cricket matches can go on for days. What's the harm if a baseball game lasts an extra couple minutes because Scott Eyre needs to breathe between pitches? What difference does it really make if Uncle Lou has his jersey on under his Cubs jacket or if he's rocking it commando style? And if guys want to put tributes to late friends on their hats by inscribing their numbers there, is that somehow going to violate the integrity of the game? Come on MLB. Don't be such douchenuggets.

28-17: The Soto-Rooter Delivers

2008-05-20T08:15:00.003-05:00

Geovany Soto is an unhuman badass. The dude's got power, a great eye at the plate, and calls a mean game behind it. But who knew the kid could fly? Soto's inside the park home run was a thing of beauty, reminiscent of the Prince Fielder one from last year. Soto trucked around those bases and the Cubs wouldn't need any more as Ted "Iceman" Lilly only allowed two runs to the Astros. Lilly was in fine form and he kept super slugger and all around hoser Lance Berkman off the base paths all night. Aramis Ramirez added some insurance with a two-run missile later in game. If there wasn't a wall behind those seats, that ball might still be going. Oh and newest Cub Jim Edmonds made some kind of catch in center field. That'll do, Lassie. That'll do. Can't root against you, Jim, since you're a Cub, but if you do good stuff like that, you might force me to root for you. What kind of eighth circle of hell nonsense is that?

Ryan Dempster takes the hill tonight to do battle with Chris Sampson. Ryan's been solid all year and if memory serves, Sampson shut the door on us at Wrigley earlier in the season. Should be a good one. I wonder if any of our boys will see anything high and tight after the Iceman blatantly buzzed Carlos Lee's tower and Marmol about took his head off, albeit not purposely. Might be interesting in old Houston tonight.

27-17: Sweet Home Chicago

2008-05-19T14:51:00.005-05:00

Do my eyes deceive me or are the Cubs really 10 games above .500? Wow, what a far cry from the hapless bumblers of last year. The Cubs took 2 of 3 from a resurgent Pirates team over the weekend and now head to Houston to do battle with Lance Berkman and the Astros. The Cubs went 8-2 on the homestand, which was the bast mark since like 1978 or some shit. Now if only we could play this good on the road. In other news, Alfonso Soriano is smoking hot right now, third fiddle to only the aforementioned Berkman and good old Larry Jones of Atlanta. In the meantime, Cub pitching continues to get the job done, including batting cage pitcher Jason Marquis, who notched his second win of the season. If Jason could just pitch against the Pirates every single time, we'd be talking about him for the Cy Young. Since that's not the case, I'll continue to cringe and reach for my blankie on days when he starts. On a better note, the Soto-Rooter continues to pound the baseball. Geo hit another home run against the Pirates as he makes his case for ROY honors. Sean Gallagher made a fantastic start as well, looking sharp against the Buccos. Anyone still wish we had Brian Roberts? I didn't think so.

The only thing that really bothered me was Zambrano's performance. El Toro Loco looked more loco than toro in his last start, the first of the year where he didn't look sharp and more to the point, the first in which he lost his composure. I thought we were done with the whole breaking the bat over body parts thing. It seems so 2007. Carlos, please dude, for the love of Jeebus, don't break bats over your limbs or neck, amigo. That's what the water cooler in the dugout is for man. It would be totally Farnsworthless of you to injure your leg or neck expressing your frustration with batting. And so what if you have a bad at bat? The fans still think you're the Venezuelan Babe Ruth, okay? More important than your at bats is your performance on the mound. Everything else is gravy my friend.

And lastly, a note to Tom Gorzelanny. Dude, we own you this year. You seriously need to talk to your manager about him skipping you the next time you guys play the Cubs. I feel for you. I had you on a fantasy team at one point. Thankfully, not for very long, but I still feel for you. If he won't skip you, I'd suggest barfing up a lung before the game. Maybe walking through a glass door. Falling out of a hot tub. Something.

25-16: Dempster Delivers on Black Thursday

2008-05-15T15:37:00.003-05:00

Leave it to Ryan Dempster to salvage what could have been a black day in Cubs history. Jim Edmonds has joined the Cubs and was in the starting lineup. This travesty was overshadowed by the stellar performance of one red-headed prankster, who came out throwing bullets today, retiring a career high 12 Friars via the strikeout. Dempster didn't allow a run and pitched into the ninth inning before being relieved by Kid K, who notched his 8th save. The Canadian funny man also went 1 for 3, driving in a run and scoring on a Derrek Lee double. Dempster moves to 5-1 on the year, with a nifty 2.35 ERA. Moving Demp to the rotation might just be the move of the season, folks. He looks legit.

As for the other story, Jim Edmonds went 1-4, bouncing into a double play and striking out with the bases loaded. He's got a long way to go to justify his signing. I won't root against you, Jimmy, but I'm not exactly in your corner, either.

Come Back Jacque! Seriously.

2008-05-14T13:42:00.008-05:00

Hey Jim Hendry! Yeah, you, with the doughnut. Put it down and come over here so I can smack you. You're really gonna do it, aren't you? You're really going to bring Jim Edmonds, my 2nd least favorite ballplayer of all time (Jeff Kent is my all time least favorite player) to Wrigley and let the motherfucker wear a Cub uniform. I hate you. I know that won't change your mind about bringing Captain Mascara to the Cubs, but I thought you should know. I'm just curious, but if we really needed a light hitting left hander to play some center field, why didn't we just keep Jacque Jones? Or Angel Pagan, who was better than Edmonds or Jones?

Super Jock had his issues. He struck out like crazy while making faces like he was constipated. His throws in from the outfield often were eaten by turf monsters. Sometimes he seemed to have a bad attitude. But more importantly than all that, Jacque Jones is NOT Jim Edmonds. I've had my issues with Jacque. Called him names, made fun of his red bat. (Never any racial shit, though. The Poet doesn't play that way.) However, deep down, I don't dislike Jacque Jones. And here are some reasons why:

1. The guy hustles. Sure he can't throw and he goes through stretches where he forgets to stop swinging at everything, but when Jacque connects with a ball, he's busting ass down the line. Doesn't matter if it's a well struck ball or a little infield bloop, Jones always ran them out.
2. He was MUCH better in center than he was in right. He used that hustle to cover a lot of ground and I recall him making some pretty sweet plays out there last year. I know he's a much better center fielder than the remains of Jim Edmonds.
3. Jacque may be a streaky hitter, but holy crap when he's hot, he's scalding. There was a period last year when Jacque was getting clutch hits left and right. I'd rather take a chance on him getting hot than running "Jimmy Ballgame" out there.
4. Jacque Jones is NOT JIM EDMONDS. I can't stress that enough.

To be honest, I never understood why we dealt Jacque to begin with. He was signed rather cheaply, given the way contracts for outfielders exploded the year after we signed him. He has the skills to play in the bigs, he seemed like a team player (even if he was fond of Dusty Baker), and when he was hot, he could hit pretty good, despite his power sort of melting away. He still would be a great platoon partner for Reed Johnson. In addition, the Jones trade accomplished virtually nothing. Sure, the Tigers assumed part of the financial responsibility of his contract, but big whup. The guy we got back, Omar Infante, we promptly packaged with Fat Ohman and sent off to Atlanta for Jose Ascanio. If your response to that was "who the fuck is Jose Ascanio?", I'm sure you're not alone. So basically, we didn't even come up even for all the wheeling and dealing. I think we should have just kept him. Now Florida will get him and we won't even get anything good out of it.

I would take Jacque over Jimmy Ballgame any day, despite the fact that Jones's batting average was just over 10 points lower than Edmonds's. Jacque finished last year at .285 and I have faith that given the chance, he could repeat that figure. Jim Edmonds ended up at .252 and I don't believe it'll ever get that high again and I don't think any one would give a shit if it did.

So Jim Hendry. I know you're gonna sign Jim Edmonds. I've resigned myself to it. But think about what you threw away for peanuts, only to turn around and sign a worse version of what you gave away. In conclusion, you suck.

23-16: Estes?

2008-05-14T08:33:00.002-05:00

Shawn Estes? Seriously? I don't mind losing fellas, but to Shawn Estes? Come on. Jason Marquis proved to be his usual hitable self, giving up four to a beleaguered Padres offense. The Cubs did manage to scratch out three runs, but it turned out to be not enough against former Cub Estes. The Cubs'll need to bounce back against Jake Peavy and Greg Maddux, who are much tougher than Shawn Estes.

That's all for now. I'm sharpening my sword to commit seppeku when the Jim Edmonds signing is announced.

And Darkness Washed Across the Land . . .

2008-05-13T12:48:00.003-05:00

According to MLB Trade Rumors, this deal is all but done. Apparently, the Padres desire some form of revenge for sticking them with Barrett, Prior, Rusch, Estes, Todd Walker, oh how the list goes on over the years. But this is really low, San Diego. Jim Hendry, I can't believe you would sink this low. Is Felix Pie really that bad? Is there no one else who can play center field that we can rescue from the fucking scrap heap? Nyjer Morgan, anyone? Tike Redman? Rajai Davis? Terrence fucking Long? Terrence Long sucks, but at least I like him.

Any of these guys would be preferable to Jim Edmonds, who's done. You hear me? He's DONE. Stick a fork in him and serve him up, he's fucking finished. If we really positively have to have another left handed bat who can play center, can we get Kenny Lofton? I mean I know the guy is old, but come on, Jim. He's a former Cub, he looks like Jimmy Walker, and he's NOT Jim Edmonds. What confuses me is why the fuck we ever traded Angel Pagan. Or Jacque Jones, who while shitty at times, would still be more palatable than signing Jim Edmonds. Please Jim. For the love of Christ man I'm begging you. Please don't sign Jim Edmonds. Think about the children, man. Don't do this.

23-15: The Curly Shuffle

2008-05-13T11:03:00.003-05:00

I was watching the press conference after the game last night and was struck by Carlos's resemblance to the late Curly Howard. Zambrano was relaxed and funny last night, coming off the Cubs 12-3 pasting of the Friars, who suddenly find themselves in dire straits. I'd love to find a full on face pick of the stubble-headed El Toro Loco to compare, but this'll have to do.

One thing's for sure: the way Carlos is pitching is no laughing matter. This guy has really taken it to the next level this year. He looks great and helps his own cause at the plate. After a bumpy road trip, the boys in blue have picked it back up again, sweeping the D-Backs and taking the first game from San Diego easily. Whipping boy Alfonso Soriano seems to have found his stroke over the past few days, playing a key role in the Cubs' victories. Darryl Ward has come on strong as a pinch hitter the past few days as well, making solid contributions from the bench. The team seems to be firing on all cylinders once again, although it'd be nice to see them play this way on the road. Still, that's a minor complaint and the season is still early. With the bullpen issues some of our rivals are struggling with, the Cubs need to take the opportunity to gain some ground while things are unsettled. I had a blast watching the game last night and hope for more of the same all week.

22-15: Payback's a Bitch

2008-05-12T08:35:00.003-05:00

After shitting themselves against the D-Backs in the playoffs last year, the Cubs bounced back over the weekend to sweep the series from the Snakes. Dempster and Gallagher both pitched well and the Cubs got some great offensive contributions as well. The Brewer's win yesterday moves the Cubs back into a tie with the Cardinals. Say what you will about our bullpen, but we're in much better shape than the Brewers and Cardinals right now. Hopefully it stays that way.

Four games against the Padres are up next.

20-15: The Iceman Cometh

2008-05-09T16:09:00.004-05:00

The game started out as in the playoffs last year, with Chris Young drilling a homer off of Ted Lilly. This game turned out much for the better, as Lilly turned in a commanding performance, striking out 10 and only surrendering the one run. He also helped his own cause by driving in one of the Cubs' runs. Nice job, TR. Lilly gave the Cubs exactly what they needed: a solid outing following the disaster that occurred in Cincinnati. A home run from Derrek Lee was a nice bonus. Now the heavy lifting begins as the Cubs face rookie Matt Scherzer and perpetual nemesis Randy Johnson over the weekend. I'll see you bastards on Monday!

DoucheNuggets of the Week: An E-mail To the Reds Organization:

2008-05-09T09:02:00.006-05:00

Thanks to Bad Kermit at Hire Jim Essian for bringing this story. to my attention. Apparently, during the Reds broadcast on the 5th, Thom Brenneman and partner Chris Walsh implied that Geovany Soto may be using performance enhancing drugs. Here is my e-mail response I sent to the Reds, including comments on Marty Brenneman's anti-Cub fan rant back in April. I was going to take the high road and not complain about that, but when you have two members of the same family who broadcast games for the same organization insult my team and its fans in the span of under a month, I've gotta say something. Considering how pissed I am, especially about the Soto comments, I thought I was pretty civil.

To Whom It May Concern:

It has come to my attention that during the Reds broadcast on May 5^th, Announcers Thom Brenneman and Chris Walsh implied that Cubs catcher Geovany Soto may have used performance enhancing drugs and that this was the reason for his increased output last season and in the opening months of this year. Making that accusation without any evidence is completely irresponsible. The minor league testing program appears to be working quite well, so I doubt Soto would have been able to slip through the cracks. In addition, Soto’s offensive surge came after an extensive off season regimen of diet and exercise, during which he dropped thirty pounds. This is one of the reasons he’s been so much better, both at the plate and behind it. I think Mr. Brenneman and Mr. Walsh owe Geovany Soto and the Cubs organization an apology. These unfounded statements are the kind of asinine thing that can cause a stigma to be attached to a player, despite their being no evidence of wrong doing.

In addition, I would like to add that the Reds owe a second apology, that to the fans of the Chicago Cubs for the comments made by Marty Brenneman on April 17^th. Debasing an entire fan base over the actions of a few fans isn’t good broadcasting in my opinion. If Mr. Brenneman loathes the Cubs organization and its fans that much, perhaps he should seek a different vocation. My family is made up of Cub fans who have never acted in an obnoxious fashion at ball games. The words of Mr. Brenneman were insulting to me as a fan of the Cubs and of baseball and were completely unprofessional and inappropriate. They were in fact petulant and childish.

Perhaps the Reds as an organization need to look at the professional standards to which their broadcasters are held. I’ve been watching baseball for most of my thirty-one years and never have seen two lapses in judgment made by the same organization’s broadcasters within the span of a month as has happened here. Perhaps these gentlemen are not the people you want out there as the voice of the Reds, as it serves to give a poor impression of your storied franchise.

LoserPoet

And the response from the Reds:

Thank you for your e-mail. We appreciate hearing our fans comments.

Ginny Kamp

5/9/08

I sure as hell hope that's an automated reply. This ain't over.

19-15: Nobody Panic

2008-05-08T14:49:00.004-05:00

This picture of Rami pretty much sums it up. Frustration. Anger. Doubt.

Do not push the panic button. Do not say, "Wait until next year." Do not say this team sucks. Not yet. The Cubs are all right. They're in second place. Remember how bad they were last year? Yes? Good. This is a better team than that one. Are there questions? Yes. Will Lou answer them? I believe he will. There's still a lot of baseball left.

Say it with me:

"I will not doubt. St. Louis must drop off eventually. This is not 2004. This is not 2006. I will not approach the ledge, let alone jump off. I still believe."

Under Construction: One Pitching Staff

2008-05-08T14:40:00.003-05:00

Let's take a look and see how the pitching staff stacks up thus far:

El Toro Loco-Carlos Zambrano may just get his Cy Young award this year. All of the contract talks are behind him and he’s pitching like a man possessed. I’m really impressed with the level of self control the Big Moose has exhibited this year. This year Carlos hasn’t beaten himself. There’s a new maturity on display here and it really could be a sign of big things to come from our number one.

Ryan Dempster-The clown prince of Cubdom is nothing to laugh at. Since his return to the rotation, Dempster has looked solid, posting a 2.72 ERA, notching 4 wins and 1 loss in 7 starts. Not too shabby for a guy who often struggled with his command in the closer role. If Dempster looks sharp all season, he put up some solid numbers.

Ted Lilly-TR struggled early in the season, but appears to have righted the ship. His last couple starts have seen the Iceman move closer to his 2007 form. He’ll need to regain his edge if the Cubs are going to make a serious run.

Rich Hill-After a solid 2007, Rich Hill’s head went back in the clouds and he returned to being an AAAA pitcher. Rich needs to stop worrying about pitching perfect and worry about actually pitching. Life’s not perfect, Rich. Baseball doesn’t need to be either. Perfect games are like a white buffalo: they only come around very rarely. If you’re lucky, maybe you’ll pitch one someday. Chances are you won’t. Get out there, trust your stuff, trust your teammates, and throw the best pitch you can. Remember the immortal words of Crash Davis: ‘Don’t think, just throw’. Trust me.

Jason Marquis-Jason’s kind of an enigma to me. It’s an enigma to me how he remained in the rotation after the public pissing match between he and Lou Pinella. It’s an enigma to me how he manages to get anyone out. He pitches to contact and gets rocked. His velocity isn’t down, he just is getting hammered.

These were the guys we started out with. We may see some more guys here as Lou works through these issues. Lieber may get another chance, despite getting blasted by the Reds. Gallagher may get a shot, as might Sean Marshall.

19-14: Z-Money

2008-05-07T09:35:00.003-05:00

I missed the game as my alma mater's last regular season game was last night as well. Still, from what I was able to glean from various sources, it was a good night for the boys in blue, led by the shiny-headed El Toro Loco, who continues to pitch like he's on a mission from God. Big Z has shaken of the malaise that plagued him last year, plus he has the benefit of being Barrettless this season. Harang was the hard luck loser last night, courtesy of Boom-Boom Cedeno. Be nice if the Cubs can roll with it and win their first series in over a week.

Oh and the game I attended: IWU Titans 10 and Blackburn Beavers 3. 2 for 2 on a Tuesday night! Doesn't get much better than that.

18-14 So Much For Staying Positive

2008-05-06T12:20:00.002-05:00

Well, holy shit. Didn't take the Cubs long to destroy the good feeling I had going. All of a sudden we're two and a half games behind the Cardinals and their no-name pitching staff. we've dropped series to Washington (!), Milwaukee, and St. Louis and lost the first game against the Reds last night. Just fucking great. Not only do we get Harang and Volquez for the remainder of the Reds series, but then we get to play the best team in the National League, the Diamondbacks. The team that swept us out of the playoffs look even better this year. Great.

On the plus side, SL favorite Geo Soto kept up his great year by hitting another home run. The Soto-Rooter is hitting .352 and is tied with DLee for RBIs. I guess it's still too early to talk about Rookie of the Year, but holy crap is he punishing the ball. The big guy still looks pretty solid behind the plate as well.

The Cubs need to get their starting pitching figured out and the offense needs to get consistent. We're scoring runs, but too many of those runs are coming in blowouts. This is a good team, but we need to straighten it up before St. Louis puts too much distance between us before they get Mulder and Carpenter back.

Suddenly Cards Fans Don't Seem That Bad . . .

2008-05-05T14:52:00.003-05:00

Anybody see this? Kinda puts the whole Cubs-Cardinals rivalry in perspective doesn't it? Some of the comments on the story will blow your mind. To all St. Louis fans out there-I hope that none of you ever feel upset enough by a Cub fan's behavior to run them down with your car. I enjoy the rivalry our teams have and enjoy the ribbing and insults that pass back and forth. Let's not forget this is a kid's game, meant to be a good time, not life and death. Let's keep it a fun, civilized rivalry, deal? Thanks!

DoucheNugget of the Week-Triple Threat: Joe Morgan/Jon Miller/5 Second Delay

2008-05-05T08:18:00.006-05:00

Since I didn't do a DoucheNugget post last week, here's an extended version full of salty goodness.

I don't have the heart to recap the three game series against the Cardinals, but the sting of defeat on Sunday was made much worse by the fact that the game was televised on ESPN, thus putting it in the hands of Joe Morgan and Jon Miller, perhaps the worst announcing team in the history of baseball. I think I'd rather watch the Hawkeroo call a game in which the White Sox hit thirty home runs then hear Miller/Morgan call a Cubs game, especially a Cubs/Cards game. Shall we begin?

Joe Morgan:

Joe Morgan should be Albert Pujols's personal ball washer. This guy spends so much time polishing Pujols's knob, he knows how many indvidual pubic hairs Albert has. I know Albert's a great player, but the man-love has gotten disgusting, especially now that Morgan's other mantasy, Barry Bonds, has "retired" or whatever the fuck. Last night was no exception, with praises heaped upon King Albert, including an interview that was inexplicably broken up and shown in chunks throughout the game. Now, Joe, if you want to talk to Albert that's cool, but for Christ's sake, do I have to hear this shit while the game is going on? Can't you just shoot your wad before the game starts and be done with it? And ESPN, where's the corresponding interview with one of our players? Derrek Lee, for example, who's off to a fantastic start or Kosuke Fukudome, the man with all the pre-season buzz. (More on Fukudome later). Not only do we get a treatise on how awesome Albert is, but Morgan also spent a good chunk of the game talking up Tony LaRussa. At one point, Joe says the mark of a good manager is being able to win with different teams. Yeah, yeah. Tony won with the A's and the Cardinals. I'd like to see Tony go down to Tampa and win with those kids during the years Uncle Lou was down there. Now that would be something. And Joe, you played the game a hundred years ago. Shut the fuck up already. Walt Jockety is exiled to Cincinnati. The Reds suck now. Deal with it.

Jon Miller:

Jon Miller is such a sycophantic little douchenozzle that he undoubtedly has a picture of Joe Morgan mounted above his headboard so he can sustain an erection while fucking his wife. The fact that he can call ballgames with Joe's cock in his mouth is truly amazing. Not that these two assclowns actually call games so much as sit around and bullshit while a game is going on in the background. Hey, Jon? we know Joe Morgan is a Hall of Famer, okay? You don't need to tell us every single fucking time. Jon apparently knows Japanese as well, as he conducted an interview with Kosuke Fukudome that wasn't aired on ESPN, since they apparently couldn't fit it in around their Albert Pujols coverage. Of course, Joe Morgan had to chime in by telling us that the Japanese league is equivalent to our Triple A teams and that Albert Pujols could go over to Japan and absolutely destroy it. No word on whether the Japanese would make Pujols their new Emperor on the spot or not. So these two hosers managed to take an interesting piece about Fukudome and turn it in to another compliment to Albert AND insult the Japanese leagues at the same time. True statement or not, you don't say that kind of shit on the air. It's just not polite. And let's say Fukudome dominates all year and is in contention for Rookie of the Year. I totally predict you'll hear Joe Morgan change his tune on air and say Fukudome shouldn't be considered because he played professionally in Japan. But if the Nippon Leagues are equal to Triple A, doesn't that put Kosuke at the same level as a rookie who came from Triple A? He'll find a way to spin that one, I'm sure.

It's bad enough losing to the Cardinals, but watching ESPN feels like watching a Cardinal home game. That's just shitty broadcasting. I know Miller and Morgan hate the Cubs and that's fine, but they shouldn't be given a national venue to express their disdain. Get a blog, assholes. It's free and you can be as biased as you like. Fuck both of you sideways.

The 5 Second Delay:

The forgotten culprit here is the bullshit 5 second delay that all televised games have these days. (Thanks Janet Jackson. Thanks a lot.) If not for this beastly little device, it would be possible for me to mute the TV and listen to Pat & Ron (Who should be in the HOF, Joe Morgan. Cocksucker.) The 5 second delay means that the radio announcers call the play before the play happens on TV, which just gives me a colossal headache and ruins watching the game on TV. So then I'm forced to choose between listening to the game or watching it on my new HDTV with Miller/Morgan. I chose Miller/Morgan, but after last night, I'm not sure I can make that choice again. If the Cubs play the Cards on Sunday night again, I may be forced to revert to my five dollar AM radio rather than watch my seven hundred dollar TV. At least I won't be tempted to throw something heavy through the screen of my radio the next time Morgan and Miller ignore the play on the field to talk to Albert about his approach to hitting. Fuck all of you fucking douchenuggets.

17-10: Soto's Revenge

2008-05-01T08:09:00.003-05:00

The Cubs broke out the whipping stick last night, clobbering the Brewers 19-5. Top dog in the game was our very own Soto-Rooter, who blasted two 3 run homers before being removed for Henry Blanco. All of the Cubs save Felix Pie had pretty good days at the plate and Ryan Dempster notched another win in his quest to gain some respect from Bad Kermit over at HireJimEssian.com. Due to the bullshit MLB blackout rules, I was forced to listen to the game on the radio as opposed to watching it on ESPN. Fucking WCIU. This would be the game where Geo goes yard twice, wouldn't it? Ah well, listening to Pat and Ron get all excited about the young catcher was good enough. Later in the game, when most of the regulars were out and the Cubs were cruising, Pat told a great story that I would have missed had I been watching the game on the Eastern Sports Network, so it ended up being worth it.

Apparently when he was 11 or so, Pat and a buddy snuck into the Cubs clubhouse at Candlestick and got to hang out with Ronnie's boys for a few minutes. He said they were all over Billy Williams with questions and Billy was really cool about it. Great story. Pat Hughes has to be one of the most underappreciated announcers in baseball. Plus he has to work with Ronnie, who is a lovely human being and Hall of Famer, but a complete trainwreck as an announcer. Yet Pat keeps him steadily on course.

So we've got the rubber game of the set coming up today and hopefully the bats still have some runs left in them after the offensive explosion yesterday. Starting Friday, the Cardinals are in town and holy crap, games in May that are meaningful for both teams! The Cubs had an amazing April and here's hoping the rest of the season is just as memorable.